Saturday, 26 November 2011

Food For Thought, Love and a Happier You.

For thousands of years humans have used the many naturally occurring medicinal plants that exist to ease their suffering from pain and disease, at some point ancient peoples became aware of different plants that could ease their suffering from reality, such as the Opium Poppy and Coco Plant.

So times have changed and a lot of modern foods are highly processed but experimental eating habits amongst single men late at night have yielded a new crop of beneficial food combinations that can help to bring about a happy, more productive but lot more bleeding ulcer inhabited you.

Skittles and  Brown Rice - Use this combination to increase your mathematical skills, one of the comments from our test group was ''I kinda felt like Dustin Hoffman in A Beautiful Mind, except taller'' 

Cheese and Crackers - Finding it hard to focus? After 6 weeks on this meal as a sole diet you will be able to sit and concentrate on tasks for up too twice as long as previously.

Fish Oil, Chilli Sauce and Vanilla Ice Cream - Please insist on vanilla, I don't want anyone to get hurt! This is used a general sedative, keep a mini cooler of this soothing balm on hand and rub a generous portion on the small of your back or underarms in times of duress. Your work commute will fly by and you''ll even be able to cope with drum circles up to a point.

These are just a few, many more modern food medicinal combos are available from our website:   

Saturday, 19 November 2011

Planet of the Apes and Cows

Is it me or is the animal kingdom passive aggressively getting it's own back on humans for pretty near destroying the Earth. Let's examine the evidence then you can decide if we as a species is doing enough to keep these cheeky ''other'' species in their place.

I have a pond, it has sheer slippery sides and every Summer it seems two frogs take up residence around the pond, now I can't be sure but once they're in I don't think they can get out and most mornings I find one floating at the rim looking up at me with those sad froggy eyes until I get the net and scoop them out, then they hop off merrily, it's quite maddening I tell you but I see your game frogs! They think one day I'll crack and they will swarm over my land and claim it. Let this be a document that will attest  in court if need be that I, Dan, in perfectly sound mind and body think frogs are bullying me and trying to send me crazy.

Sometimes you'll get ants in the house they may get into any unsealed foodstuffs but that's how scavenging species make a living and it all seems pretty harmless, so why do you see one maybe two lone ants in the bedrooms occasionally? What is their purpose in these rooms, are they studying us? I think so, my analysis is that similar to Gulliver's Travel these little guys are trying to figure out how many ants it takes to hold down a human for consumption, the problem being as soon as you get 10 or so ants crawling on your body, you move and ruin their experiment. Even really heavy sleepers will wake at around 50 or so ants. But ants are industrious and patient they are collating data  and when they can calculate the exact number and ant bodies required for the pile on....? Well, it doesn't bear thinking about really.

The most evil family of animals plotting us humans destruction is obviously the bovines. What? You can't see it? Let me explain, a lot of people think cows are good to eat and they run away bit but are fairly easy to round up for the chop, they don't even try very hard to escape fairly basic fencing, one cow standing on another's shoulders would be over a fence in a trice. So we humans think if some cows are good, billions must be better, but bovines expel methane and carbon dioxide and eat grass which controls these poisonous gases. Let me spell it out, he cows want to explode in numbers, check, kill off the humans with greenhouse gases, almost check, then take over the entire planet by controlling the supply of delicious dairy products too their ape armies, did I mention the apes? They're in on it too, apes will ride the cows fueled by yoghurt too a very likely victory over the frogs and ants.

Ignore this warning at your own peril!