(N)ice Age

In a year or two the next ice age will begin and that's going to force seven billion humans plus all the animals and insects on the planet into living around the thin strip of habitable land near the Equator. 

This will bring about a lot of huge changes in our lives but the biggest will probably be; manners, we're going to have to step it up a bit people! If you're sharing your dwelling with 43 other humans, a rhino, a colony of termites and some pelicans for example, you're going to have to be pretty careful what you do and say to keep the peace.

Be respectful of other creatures habits and rituals, there's lots of nocturnal animals, so loud music is out and don't slam that door, you know the possums were up all night foraging, that sort of thing.     

It's important to make a list of jobs and delegate them evenly between the species, granted it's tricky to convince the lizards it's their turn to clean the kitchen but if these things aren't kept on track chaos will ensue.

You have a little time so use it wisely to prepare for the next big chill, store pencils, paper, good quality cardboard for making signs and schedules these are the organizational tools that will get you through the next ten thousand years of nasty weather and keep the household ticking along smoothly.

Food For Thought, Love and a Happier You.

For thousands of years humans have used the many naturally occurring medicinal plants that exist to ease their suffering from pain and disease, at some point ancient peoples became aware of different plants that could ease their suffering from reality, such as the Opium Poppy and Coco Plant.

So times have changed and a lot of modern foods are highly processed but experimental eating habits amongst single men late at night have yielded a new crop of beneficial food combinations that can help to bring about a happy, more productive but lot more bleeding ulcer inhabited you.

Skittles and  Brown Rice - Use this combination to increase your mathematical skills, one of the comments from our test group was ''I kinda felt like Dustin Hoffman in A Beautiful Mind, except taller'' 

Cheese and Crackers - Finding it hard to focus? After 6 weeks on this meal as a sole diet you will be able to sit and concentrate on tasks for up too twice as long as previously.

Fish Oil, Chilli Sauce and Vanilla Ice Cream - Please insist on vanilla, I don't want anyone to get hurt! This is used a general sedative, keep a mini cooler of this soothing balm on hand and rub a generous portion on the small of your back or underarms in times of duress. Your work commute will fly by and you''ll even be able to cope with drum circles up to a point.

These are just a few, many more modern food medicinal combos are available from our website: www.vomityourwaytoohappiness.org   

Planet of the Apes and Cows

Is it me or is the animal kingdom passive aggressively getting it's own back on humans for pretty near destroying the Earth. Let's examine the evidence then you can decide if we as a species is doing enough to keep these cheeky ''other'' species in their place.

I have a pond, it has sheer slippery sides and every Summer it seems two frogs take up residence around the pond, now I can't be sure but once they're in I don't think they can get out and most mornings I find one floating at the rim looking up at me with those sad froggy eyes until I get the net and scoop them out, then they hop off merrily, it's quite maddening I tell you but I see your game frogs! They think one day I'll crack and they will swarm over my land and claim it. Let this be a document that will attest  in court if need be that I, Dan, in perfectly sound mind and body think frogs are bullying me and trying to send me crazy.

Sometimes you'll get ants in the house they may get into any unsealed foodstuffs but that's how scavenging species make a living and it all seems pretty harmless, so why do you see one maybe two lone ants in the bedrooms occasionally? What is their purpose in these rooms, are they studying us? I think so, my analysis is that similar to Gulliver's Travel these little guys are trying to figure out how many ants it takes to hold down a human for consumption, the problem being as soon as you get 10 or so ants crawling on your body, you move and ruin their experiment. Even really heavy sleepers will wake at around 50 or so ants. But ants are industrious and patient they are collating data  and when they can calculate the exact number and ant bodies required for the pile on....? Well, it doesn't bear thinking about really.

The most evil family of animals plotting us humans destruction is obviously the bovines. What? You can't see it? Let me explain, a lot of people think cows are good to eat and they run away bit but are fairly easy to round up for the chop, they don't even try very hard to escape fairly basic fencing, one cow standing on another's shoulders would be over a fence in a trice. So we humans think if some cows are good, billions must be better, but bovines expel methane and carbon dioxide and eat grass which controls these poisonous gases. Let me spell it out, he cows want to explode in numbers, check, kill off the humans with greenhouse gases, almost check, then take over the entire planet by controlling the supply of delicious dairy products too their ape armies, did I mention the apes? They're in on it too, apes will ride the cows fueled by yoghurt too a very likely victory over the frogs and ants.

Ignore this warning at your own peril!

Footlosers.

I know we all fantasize that one day our town will be the one that's bans dancing. Apart from making otherwise reasonable people look very silly, it poses a considerable occupational health and safety risk, especially when any song involving ''Getting your hands up'' is played.

Discotheques are an accident waiting to happen, or possibly the accident has already happened, I have no idea as I only attend proper seated functions where moving your body around is reserved for the secret handshake only.

Other social conventions are just as foolhardy, handshaking spreads Salmonella and kissing can result in bird, swine and sometimes human flu. I even understand that some germs have ''No returns'' ? Which sounds horrible.

A small number of vertebrae displacements result from slaps on the back and there's even one documented case on concussion from a pat on the back of the head.

The social convention that creates the largest number of hospitalisations is the hug.  There can be accidental rib fractures, shoulder dislocations and head trauma from going in on the wrong side. It causes nervous tension in young children at family functions.

Look, if you really really have to touch another person why not go for a hearty high five or pinch on the cheek (face cheek you pervert!) that's something everyone can enjoy and no one gets hurt.  

8 Fun and EZ Ways To Annoy Others

I bet I got you rankled already? 8 ways? Why not 10 or 20? This is my theory exactly, annoy people mildly and when they least expect avoiding conflict and going to bed knowing you've made a difference in a small but negative way.

1. Mispronouncing words - Particularly effective with people you have regular contact with. Try ''vee-hickle'' for vehicle or ''Eye-talian'' instead of Italian, if you can't see the steam rising just use ''aks'' in place of ask for a week but this may induce a seizure.

2. ''Accidental'' Smudging - Wife or Mother hate her shiny surfaces too have greasy hand prints all over them? You may not like this either? But you have a score too settle so leave one or two beauties each day and fein ignorance when you get yelled at.

3. Talk Radio - Even on short journeys there usually an opportunity to get in a a few annoyance licks by shouting back at the broadcast, ''Oh c'mon!'' is great for sport and singing the wrong lyrics to Beatles songs always gets results.

4. Shortfall - Leave an unusable amount of toilet paper on the roll, every time.

5. Two's company - If anybody borrows an item from you always announce ''Remember that's a boomerang'' after they go say too all ''Ha, I always say that'' it's called  the double barrel and I highly recommend it.

6. Recurring Compliment - Tell the same person every time you see them they look like they're losing weight, trust me, it's a creeper, they'll hate you eventually.

7. Breath-less - It takes practise but if you can master a nose whistle or weird off beat breathing style it could be a valuable weapon in your arsenal.

8. A Bow Tie - Just wear a bow tie.

I know some of you have been victims too these methods but knowledge is power, now go get some revenge, it feels great . 

Genes for Genes...not Jeans.

What if everybody could have one of those really happy dogs with two tails?  Or feed the world's starving people with chicken flavoured whales? Be awesome hey?

And that's why a crack team of scientists are taking genetic engineering to the max to try solve these annoying problems and ensure continuing research funds. 

My sources in Europe have reported back with a few of the secret projects that will make for a plumper, quicker, fluorescent, salt reduced, longer lasting, gluten free, essential oil enriched tomorrow. 

* Sheep taste nice, produce wool and milk but tend to buckle under the weight of even an average humans weight but new 'Travel Sheep' are bigger and sturdier and can go 20 kilometres on one bunch of spinach, comes in four new exciting colours too!

* ''Mommy Goldy's dead!'' it's the sentence no parent ever likes to hear, that's why cockroach DNA has been inserted into the common goldfish to create the 'Goldroach'  it's virtually indestructible and can even live without a head for a week although that's horrible obviously.

*  I like seedless watermelon but hey, sometimes I like the challenge of a seeded melon experience, the 'Half and Half Melon' kills two birds with one fruit. 

* I have a Justin Bieber wig as I'm sure you all do too, but it's going to wear out quickly with constant use, enter the the 'Bieber Wig Guinea Pig' , can be easily trained to sit quietly on your dome by attaching a treat dish to your forehead.

Hooray DNA research! It's the family friendly side of the Mad Scientist's community. 

Feud For Thought

The popularity of the 'Twilight' saga and subsequent films has brought to our attention the long held and very real grudges between Vampires and Werewolves. And although bloody battles between supernatural beings in mossy forests is something we've very much become accustomed too in modern times and there are other feuds between other monster groups that sometimes go unnoticed:

Mummies versus Frankensteins - Ever since Mummies have been imported into Western culture these two parties have quarreled over the right too walk slowly through the night with arms stretched out in front of them.

Wood Elf versus Water Sprite - The Sprites control the water, the Elves need water for their enchanted mushroom crops, In times of drought costly court battles often ensue.

Ogre versus Troll - With air travel being more common not as many bridges are getting built, over population under bridges in reaching crisis levels.

Yeti versus Sasquatch - Deforestation in America has forced Sasquatches into alpine Yeti territories leading too vicious slanging matches, also Australian Yowies are now under threat due too 'Boat Yetis' arriving seeking asylum.

There's no easy answers even though there's no written test, if you see a homeless Ogre or a busking Pixie just give what you can.