Part 4 - The Fruits of Success

  The next four months was like a haze for the young men and not the good type of haze you get from burning off your rose prunings on a crisp Winter's afternoon. From Wetherby to Yeadon and Pudsey to Hebden Bridge in an old landscapers van rented to the band by their own manager and chaffeur. The boys played clubs, pubs, halls and garden centres to enthusiastic crowds and some of the smaller nurseries were even sold out! Under Captain Craw's watchful eye the boys honed their act and onstage banter which mainly consisted of fruit and veg themed jokes mainly written by Pots to while away the time in the tour van. Brian didn't really know what was happening except that when the boys featured in the entertainment column for 'Gardener's World UK' he felt they were about to break into the big time. Still it wasn't all plain sailing with the lads cooped up in the van for long hours and not much time off tempers sometimes frayed, ''Imperial Green Longpod is the most superior broad bean variety Ali and you know it!'' Pots screamed into Ali face during the drive to Thrum Hall for one of the largest church fetes in the area, ''I'm a Witkiem Manita man when it comes to broad beans, sorry Pots my good man, Ali often teased the other members of the group by insisting on going into bat for inferior bean varieties and Pots took the bait almost every time, ''Say Imperial Green Longpod is the best or I'll belt you'' Pots stood up in the van ready to pounce on a giggling Ali, ''Hey, quiet you morons!'' the two boys were startled to hear the voice was coming from their leader brian who almost never raised his voice even when white butterfly grubs took out his entire cabbage crop last year, ''I've had it with you two, either shape up or ship out'' Brian yelled, Ali and Pots were totally stunned, Brain was the main songwriter and they knew he was their only ticket to stardom, so they all went back to their seats and spent the rest of the trip in silence.  

  Captain Craw knew this was the turning point he'd been waiting for and as he pulled up to the church gates he stopped the engine and said ''Boys, you've all been working very hard and I think you've earned a rest…'' he said quietly, ''Rest? What are you mad? Everything's just starting to go our way, is this what you call management?'' Brian said to the captain incredulously but the captain continued '…look I've booked you three a months holiday in a tulip farm in Holland, you'll get away from the grind learn more about bulb propagation and recharge your batteries…'' Pots andy Ali smiled widely as this was like a dream come true for them, 30 days of nothing but tulip sorting and genetic plant study, ''I won't go! I'll play without you, I'm going to be a star and none is going to stop me!'' Brian huffed at none in particular ''Oh I forgot the other reason for going over there they also have a state of the art recording studio, how would you like to record your first hit album boys?'' Brian hopped out of the van and started doing an improvised jig around the van as Ali, Craw and Pots looked on laughing, ''I think that's a yes'' the Captain confirmed.    

  

Part 3 - Gettin' Some Green

  Everybody sniggered as the three young men in bib and brace overalls sheepishly made their way through the 100 or so people gathered in the ballroom of the 'Chlorophyll Club' to the stage where 'Three Peas in a Pod', the name the lads had decided upon the night before were about to make their very first performance. Gerry Garson from the top local Goth/gardening band 'The Bean-Stalkers' that had just finished playing whispered quite loudly ''Who ordered the load of chicken manure'' as Brain, Pots and Ali got settled onstage, '' Stop the turnip truck, it's three short!'' was another snide comment made by Billy, lead singer for post punk outfit 'Poison Ivory'. Brian pressed 'start' on the drum machine and history was born as the band launched into 'You can prune me back' followed by 'Make like a tree'  and finishing the set with ' Shirt potatoes baby!' in fact the band played most of their first hit album in that set with a crashing silence between each song as none of the young gardeners in the radiance could believe what they were witnessing, the birth of a legend.

  When Brian announced ''We are 'Three Peas in a Pod' and thanks for listening'' a large roar went up from the crowd, they and nobody could deny that was a breakout performance and their first! As the boys were busy chatting away with admirers and even accepting a few gifts of sun dried organic fruits a face loomed over the top of the crowd and bellowed ''So you want to make it in showbiz hey?''  all three boys looked up at the 6'9'' strangely attired man staring motionless at them, ''Sure, I guess'' said Ali, ''Who are you?'' Brian half whispered incredulously ''Me? Why I'm only your new manager and the man that's going to make you richer than you've ever imagined'' the giant figure slowly replied looking into each one of the boys eyes intently as he spoke, ''Yeah, but WHO are you?'' said Pots now tired of this weird display ''The name's Captain Craw, the best human scarecrow and talent manager in East London, how does 5000 pounds as a signing fee make you feel?'' the Captain took a cheque book from his inside coat pocket and waved in the guys faces, ''Jeepers'' said Brian.

Part 2 - From Little Things Big Things Grow

  For the next six months Brian, Ali and Pots ate, slept and breathed gardening and music, the boys missed so many meeting of their regular various gardening club meeting that they were eventually stricken from the roll and were considered outcasts even by usually welcoming cactus fanciers. Garden by day, rehearse by night the guys were becoming like a small cult or commando unit, finally totally frustrated by their sons antisocial behaviour their respective parents urged the band to move down to London and ''Get this crazy music idea out of their systems before Spring vegetable harvest began''  Ali's Father found them a squalid one bedroom basement flat in London'd East end with just enough space for their music and potting equipment but it had a rundown glasshouse that they could work on as a project outside of songwriting.

  The lads now began putting the final touches to the first ten songs that would form their first performance and debut album 'Enough Parsnips for the Whole Class?' released in February 1985. Tensions in the flat would often reach boiling point when Brian, a perfectionist with his music would make the band run over the same few bars dozens of times but Pots would also drive the crew crazy with his insistence on correct spacing of tomato seedlings in the greenhouse,and one evening the mood got ugly. ''God Brian! We've been over this song fourteen times today, are we ever going to book gig?'' screamed Ali ''These things take time you can't rush great music, it's like a ripening melon…..''  Brian said calmly ''Yes Brian but we need more space like the space between a tender young tomato plant…'' interrupted Pots '' Time! Space?…I'll give you a ripened melon in your face!'' Ali grabbed a small watermelon Ali's Mother had posted down as a housewarming present from the kitchen counter and hurled right at Brian's head, he just managed to duck in time and all the boys helplessly watched their desert go sailing through the front window and landing in the gnome band that the boys had set up the day before, shattered gnome, watermelon and tiny garden tools flew in all directions.    

  As the boys silently looked at each then the broken window then at each other again Brian proudly piped up with ''Well, I think finally, we are ready'', ''About time!'' Ali exasperatingly quipped ''You don't get much more ready to rock than smashing a gnome village'' Pots said laughing then added ''But what's for desert now?''   

Part 1 - The Sprouting of a Legend

  The year is 1984 and awesome synth pop bands like Spandau Ballet, Duran Duran and Barbra Streisand rule the airwaves but in Bingley a Northern suburb Bradford England a 19 year old Brian Beaverbrook is ready to make his own assault on the hit parade, with gardening as his muse.

  For several years a young Brian had been writing songs in the backyard greenhouse secretly, where not even his parents or his chums from the 'Bingley Boy's Gardeners Squad'  had any idea of his musical talent. Then quite suddenly and spurred on by the prize of a new wheelbarrow, Brian entered Bradford's  'Annual Asparagus Parade & Talent Quest' and swept the judges off their feet with three of his original songs most notably the tune that was set to be his first hit 'You Can Prune Me Back (But I'll just keep loving you)'. Brian not only won the wheelbarrow but won over the hearts of the crowd but watching at the rear of the hall enviously was pumpkin growing enthusiast and bassist Phil (Pots) Hodges and guitarist come landscaper Ali Akkbar, they had been playing music for a short while on their own but realised they needed a strong lead singer to complete the band as well as someone who shared their ideals of fresh home grown produce.

  The two 20 year olds decided to approach Brian and see if he had the right stuff to be of of their gang, band and seed swapping group. ''Hope you're better with a pitchfork than you are with that keyboard!'' Phil said tauntingly as the boys approached Brian after the show, Brian shot the boys a look that meant business and replied '' The amount of fertiliser your face spurts it's no surprise your pumpkins are some of the best in the county'' as he squared up for what he thought was going to be a fist fight, ''What do you mean SOME of?'' Ali said slowly and getting right in Brian's face, after a pause Brian half whispered ''Well, they ain't as good as Mister Webster's on Dobson Street is they?'', brian was now chest to chest with Ali, ''Back off Ali'' said Phil ''This guy really knows his local produce'', Phil and Ali stepped back and started to smile as Brian relaxed a little, ''Look, we saw your act and like your style, want to join a band?''    

   

Neil's Diamond Years.

  I've just popped in for a quick chat about Neil Diamond. I've been an admirer of some of this songs for a long time but lately a few events in my life have brought him back into my thoughts. Firstly, I've never seen a more effortless performer, that's not to say he isn't putting in effort but the effort applied is totally hidden from the audience. For thirty years it seems neil has paced back and forth, front of stage warbling out his top 20 enormous hits as though it could go on forever. Maybe that's his m.o? Pace yourself is his motto, and could Mr Diamond be the first rock star to have his 100th birthday onstage? I might be hard to find to find the right spot for him to sing happy birthday to himself but he could slip it in between 'September Morn' and 'I Am, I Said' and lose none of the atmosphere he's well known for.

 I think with Neil's longevity and easy lifestyle he does run the risk of outliving his entire audience/band/management/children unless he releases tracks with Kanye West  or the Scissor Sisters really soon which will give birth to a new wave of Neil freak out types and extending his career until his retirement in 2050. I often wonder if Neil strained and struggled angsting over every word and note when writing his songs? Therefore when performing them felt he was very much ''off the hook'' with regards to performance, I hope so. 

  Anyway, it was nice to see him hang up his Elvis impersonator outfits a few years ago, he was starting to get a lot of overflow from The King's fans at his concerts, especially in Las Vegas, which fills auditoriums but doesn't sell merch!         

Think About, Pop Music.

For the majority of western culture, popular contemporary music, or pop music B.E. (Before Elvis) used to be something to politely dance too, enjoy a drive-in cheeseburger too or polish your Bakelite dishes too. After Elvis blew the scene open (Daddio!) with his gyrating toilet areas it became a movement of rebellion also, Bakelite and cheeseburgers were discarded for gaily coloured bobby socks and quarts of Brylcreem as most young men got themselves highly polished hotrods and much less polished New York accents plus whole fad of sex before marriage clubs sprung up based around rock 'n' roll malted milkshake bars and it seemed all the headway in morality that the Spanish Inquisition had achieved would be cast aside completely.

But big business countered quickly, adapt to survive was their motto! They saw the money that could be made using teenage rebellion as a theme for manufactured rockers like 'Presley Gutenberg -The Tweed Terror'. Gutenberg had a short string of hits in 1959 but his live act was his big draw, pogoing up and down on each leg alternately while playing the flute until collapse, he packed out show all across the East cost of America.  'Carol the Crab Pruden' was another great act introduced in 1958. She was the first rebel rocker to use the now old trick of combining a hit song with a dance, 'Do the Carol Crab' sold 2 million copies in 1959 and Carol was on every variety show on television that year performing the song and dance that involving scuttling across the stage sideways while singing and snapping her ''claws'' at her backing group, what fun!

These days we have Bieber and lots of lot less ''fringey'' manufactured pop stars to look up too I can't be bothered to mention, they only ever act badly for publicity which is really appropriate and generally prescribe safe fun for their fans. I think the message here is yes, do rebel a little, but do it in a way that the music business can profit from because if we don't support our music and media giants they may not reveal another Jonas Brothers too the world?  

Emoting...not a con.

  How many times have a been mistakingly thought sarcastic or rude in an email or text? Like, heaps of times, and it's caused no end of hassle including having to explain myself again but in a longer form and sometimes via a telephone conversation, oh the horror! This is all because I've been coerced into thinking emoticons are stupid, where they  actually are an excellent substitution in text based communication for body language which is so important in making yourself  properly understood. An 'angry face' emoticon cannot be misinterpreted as  joking around, a 'smiley with tongue out' is a clear expression of cheekily joking around and a 'smiley' clears up a lot of grey areas, consider the sentence ''I got the job!'' , now is that good or bad it's a little unclear, here's the solution ''I got the job : )'' now we clearly know what the typer is trying to express. 

  So to avoid awkward actual face to face communication I say should we rethink our stance on using emoticons, it's an excellent timesaver.  While I'm on the subject of social interactions let's end shaking hands with ladies, ladies themselves quite often don't shake hands with each other on meeting and I don't see why men should have to either it's very awkward and everybody knows it! Shaking hands with men can be hard enough so I propose we all greet no matter of race, culture, age or sex with a high five, they are always fun right?

  One more thing, if you know me even a little bit you don't have to start an email with 'Hi, how are you?''  you can just assume that I'm acceptably ok otherwise you would have seen a post from me whining about it on Facebook or Twitter, just tell me your information but make it clear and use emoticons, don't hide your text based feelings from me, it's eating into my day clarifying stuff.