These Gods must be crazy?

Every ancient civilization from the dawn of time or whenever their digital watch alarm went off has had their own set of gods and deities. From a praying for your land to be fertile to praying for your wife to be fertile and then praying for your daughter to be less fertile people have looked towards the heavens and offered sacrifices to try and convince the gods to smile upon them a grant their wishes.

These days in our culture survival is fairly easy but we still would like a few more things to go our way. I'm suggesting there may be a new set of hipper more modern deities we can make offerings too and yes, you might just get your dreams fulfilled tubby!

Populoso - God of Social networking - Leave a full size Mars bar at his altar and this deity may give you many Twitter or Facebook followers, your self esteem will soar like Icarus.

Sweatus Shoppinia - Goddess of Bargain Garments - Imagine you have the power to foresee all within the Target catalogue, pray to her and your discount clothes bounty will flow like wine.

Saint Rhodetrippe - Patron Saint  of Traffic and Travel - Keep a effigy of this guy on your dashboard, you might get longer greens at traffic lights, Volvos may mysteriously move out of your lane and public toilets become more apparent and cleaner.

Hiyass-core - Spirit of the Hunt - Can't complete a level, destroy a demon or vanquish a ghost on your choice of computer game? Burn two novels, anything Bronte or Stephen King is suggested, in the pyre for this deity and you could find yourself master of your Dungeons and Dragons club chapter in no time ( I used this one myself )

In a society where we have so much, it seems natural to get just a little bit more, after all you deserve it , you've managed to read all this without sending a text, go spoil yourself.  

   

Saving Keystrokes - the new way to a less ''tappy'' you.

Isn't it funny (or I.I.F)  that over the past 10 years or so abbreviations and acronyms have permeated our culture so much that you can virtually just type a series of capital letters into Facebook or Twitter and have the person you're addressing understand what you're saying perfectly well. And isn't it amusing that sometimes your parents pickup on this trend and start using them also. And isn't it not funny or amusing in any way when grandparents do it!

We all know the easy ones like L.O.L - laughing out loudly and A.S.B.O - anti social behaviour disorder but new ones are constantly being invented and evolving. Here's a crash course on some of the most rad and fly new A'n'As.

I.K.R - I know right?! - meaning far out or that was most unexpected.

W.O.O.T- Will one only try? - Emphatically asking to give it a go or lets try together.

I.D.E.K -  I don't even know - I'm at my wits end and all seems hopeless.

J.P.E.G - Junior photographers explorers gang - Founded early 1995, closed late 1995.

NABISCO - National Australia Bank is cool - Kids banking website with games.

D.V.D - Digital versatile disk - It slices, it dices, it holds digital video.

A.T.M.M - Automated teller machine machine, often wrongly shortened to ATM.

I.K.S.A.S.A.T - I know stuff about stuff and that - I'm in control of the situation.

K.I.R.B - Keeping it real bro - I've been working solidly, KIRS(ista) is in the feminine.

A.I.N.E.C - And it's not even close - You've tried and failed.

Hope this helps otherwise T.A.S.E.W.R.Y.C.T  or ''There are some excellent website resources you can try''.

It's a dog's life ( So stop whingeing Fido! )

For a long time now pets have been used for helping people in need we've all seen the great work organisations like The Royal Guide Dogs ,Pets as Therapy and The Flintstones have done training animals but let's think for a minute, there's loads of other ways maybe pets could be utilised and it might help with fundraising?

Let's explore.

Car Key Sniffing Cat - A cat's sense of smell is fourteen times as sensitive as humans that gives them at least an even money chance of finding where the car keys have been put. Tip: most likely into the fridge with the milk.

Watering Can-ine - What? It's not what you think! Dogs can be trained to carry water around to all your low lying shrubberies. There's a good waterboy!

Dial-a-Dragon - Vicious trained Bearded Attack Dragons can now be hired to protect your precious belongings while you're out. Lizards have loads of dangerous bacteria in their mouths and one bite could result in a nasty infection in 1 in 50 cases but it's just really just upsetting to be owned by a lizard when you're a hardened criminal.

Turkey Surprise - Christmas is coming and with Masterchef gourmet food is more popular than ever also the Central Americans have long known of the delicious taste of the Axolotl, so let's combine these two excellent concepts into a spectacular holiday roast. Purchase three small plump axolotls and feed on meaty scraps till they've grown ready to burst with salamandery goodness, then prepare with roast vegies and onion gravy to finish. Mmm tastes like water chicken. 

Let's get pets to give back to the community so we don't have too.

One fish, two fish, STOP!

The thing about things is that you sometimes forget about stuff, important stuff, stuff happens and things do not , so what's the answer? therapy? Yes, but it's a whole lot more.I once collected so many things someone suggested I cut back a little so I did but that's just one horror story.

Here's just a few yarns from the vaults about collectors gone mad. If you have a weak stomach, turn back now!

One old lady I heard of had a collection of souvenir spoons from around the world she failed to keep them adequately dusted so her friends began to shun her due to the poor state of her collection and the shameful grime in the end she was banned from Tuesday night Bingo.

A vintage car part collector from Brisbane had so many spare nut and bolts that he was forced to miss an afternoon of golf to sort and store his collection more efficiently, poor guy, it was sunny..... and mild.

Guitar enthusiast James Buchanan lost a lucrative government job when he fell in love and married his 1963 Fender Stratocaster ''It has the most beautiful body and I love her neck'' he was reported to say at the reception (I had the chicken), some good news though the couple went on to adopt two orphaned Mandolins.

Careful, be alert, don't fall into the trap of having multiples of the same item, or your life may become an Antiques Horrorshow. 

What I got that he has not

I been weighing up my career against some of my musical peers and it looks a little grim. If I consider Justin Biebers continuing rise to mega-star boy billionaire status against my modest accomplishments and it looks at best, tragic.

Some might say my talent shortfall is a determining factor but I've decided promotion and marketing is where I'm really falling short so:

10 Valid Reasons I'm Superior to Justin Bieber

1. I'm 10-12cm taller. I can get spare condiments down from the top shelf with relative ease.

2. I don't need security when I leave home, mainly because I always wear a disguise of a fattening bald guy.

3. I don't play drums in my spare time or ever.

4. I save dozens of dollars on hair care products every year.

5. Getting mobbed by frenzied ladies is a thing of the past thankfully!

6. I'm not constantly bugged by calls from Usher saying ''What up Biebz?'' or ''How's it goschizzling?''

7. All of my clothes are ironing free which saves so much time for working on my dance routine.

8. My dance routine has 20 extra pelvic thrusts in 2011.

9. All my shows are totally free (gold coin donation appreciated)

10. I mainly say ''Baby'' when referring to a baby and then not repeatedly.

Leave the 'Bieber Army' and sign up to be a 'Dan Fan' today for a free signed passport photo (while stocks last).

Jesus and the dust harvesters.

Jesus and the dust harvesters:

One morning Jesus was walking on the road beside the Sea of Galilee when he came upon some men gathering dust in the fields. ''Why do you toil so, in the hot morning sun?'' asked Jesus, ''We are the dust harvesters my Lord, we gather the finest dust in all the known lands to lay upon the roads that you tread so to serve you!'' answered one man, ''Do you not see the folly of your ways?'' asked Jesus, ''No, teach us Lord?'' said the men, and Jesus spoketh ''This dust is but the tiniest of fragment of a mighty mountain that is now become humble particles, the cliffs we dared not climb is now ours to walk upon freely so come up from your scrabbling, gather dust no more, walk beside me on the road, the road of freedom'' the men tossed away their dust harvesting utensils and walked along the road with Jesus and all was as it should be.

A reading from the Book of Trevor.

One country for old men.

Dear South Sudan

 Thanks for the inspiration, hope it works out, love the flag.

Best wishes, Dan.

For the rest of you, Welcome to Dan-o-topia! I'm declaring my own sovereign nation for a 5km radius around my 3 bed, 1 bathroom palace where I slouch benevolently on my flower patterned couch/throne of power. I will be a harsh but fair ruler and you will love me just like we loved Liz the Second in the old days or P.D.L.T. (Pre Dan Lame-o Times) Here's but a few new laws:

1. No more nodding or shaking your head. It's thumbs up or down, two thumbs for state functions.

2. All new biscuits are to personally approved by me. And the old ones are to be re-named e.g Dan Fingers, Iced Dan-Dans, Dim-Dans and  Spicy Dan Rolls.

3. Drive properly. That is good advice in or out of this new nation.

4. Drugs and alcohol are forbidden, spinning till dizzy is the new crazy fad, pubs will have designated spinning areas inside and outside for spin-smokers.

5.Details, details.

The coat of arms: Two budgies squabbling over a millet spray.

State drink: Raspberry diet cola in a Vegemite or Kraft cheese spread jar.

National anthem: Anything by ABBA except 'Fernando'

State flower: A sunflower with a smiley face stuck on.

Our mottos: ''Group hug!'' and ''How's the go going?''

Bring me your thonged and track suited, your balding and bloated for tomorrow we begin life anew in a brave new world.