They walk amongst us!

The Aliens are here, they are just very boring. Hundreds of Alien spies have been placed in all areas of the world but being so advanced they just get snapped up into business and industry due to the worldwide skills shortage. Once embedded into their work culture they realize it's much easier cruising through a 9-5 job than cruising through the galaxy with your Commander breathing down your to ''empty the space toilets!'' and ''shine up that anti-gravity drive!''.

The CIA discovered several Aliens working secretly at a data processing company,  where they had formed a 'Keeping up with the Kardashians Fan Club'  and joined a

Quidditch team, the Agency decided leaving them to carry on was the best punishment available.

Some entire model aircraft clubs are known to be Alien membership, 16% of all accountants are from the nebula G-es-tea, all taxation forms are clearly of Alien origin, lawn bowling clubs are maintained as emergency UFO landing strips.

The dullest profession the Aliens inhabit is of course politics, where they hardly need too camouflage their bizarre speech,  mannerisms and features at all, luckily in our country it's efficient and dynamic public servants that really run the country.

So if you discover an Alien in your workplace, don't get panicked, take it out too a library or something fun, it could use the excitement.  

YO!

Times it by two and what do you get? Every hip teenagers favourite pastime, the Yo-yo! But it wasn't always so long ago string shortages during WWII caused the Allies send crack commando squads into Germany to liberate top quality Yo-yo string so  British children could enjoy 'Walking the dog' during the Blitz, brave heroes all of them.

Ancient Hebrew for ''Fad Fad''  the first known Yo-yos appeared in ancient Greece round 500BC, where a boy attempted a vigorous 'Round the World'  and accidently blinded an onlooking giant hence creating the legend of the Cyclops.

Emperor Nero fiddled while Rome burned then Yo-yoed as it was rebuilt with Yo-yo Tournaments replacing gladiator thumb wrestling during his reign.

In the Dark Ages Yo-yos were associated with witchcraft because their whizzing sound was reported to conjure up demons and many Yo-yos were confiscated and locked in the Bishops desk till after Mass.

Fast forward to the 1700's where ornate Yo-yos were carved from Dodo beak to adorn fashionable ladies when stepping out. 

The modern Yo-yo scene is vibrant and we've all enjoyed the Yo-yo Roadshow on TV, seeing the various shapes, colours and LED lighting now available, with one Yo-yo owned by Molly Meldrum going for over $23!  

Some things never go out of fashion, see you at the next club meeting. 

There's No Place (to) Like Gnome(s)

I bet your thinking ''Gnomes are so cool! This is going to be an excellent gnomey update on everything rad concerning the known gnomiverse! ''.

Well you couldn't be more wrongerful, gnomes are wicked, spiteful creatures and should not be trusted and I'll tell you why.

Enchanted ceramic gnomes became popular in the 1840's where they were put in  vegetable patches to scare away thieving Pixies by playing Irish folk music ballads after becoming animated by the light of the moon. Unfortunately their constant pipe smoking also gave some of vegies skin tumors, particularly the pumpkins.

The next application for gnomes was to guard goldfish ponds from hungry waterbirds but they instantly turned to fishing out the goldfish themselves and trading them for leather vests.

Lately these tiny terrors have been utilized is for keeping spare house keys safe by standing on them outside peoples front doors.. This has only led to a rash of break and enters because the gnomes put up little resistance to full grown people and there's actually hidden camera footage of one gnome collaborating with a burgular after motioning with his eyes towards the house key beneath him. The owners lost most of their home electronics and two Barbie dolls. The dolls were thankfully later released in exchange for a small tub of moustashe wax.

Monitor your gnomes peple! Keep them tethered by night or place them in a government accredited 'Gnome Hutch' if you're worried about gnome cruelty.

And please remember gnome wrestling is still banned in all states except on Zach Galifianakis'  Birthday.

These Gods must be crazy?

Every ancient civilization from the dawn of time or whenever their digital watch alarm went off has had their own set of gods and deities. From a praying for your land to be fertile to praying for your wife to be fertile and then praying for your daughter to be less fertile people have looked towards the heavens and offered sacrifices to try and convince the gods to smile upon them a grant their wishes.

These days in our culture survival is fairly easy but we still would like a few more things to go our way. I'm suggesting there may be a new set of hipper more modern deities we can make offerings too and yes, you might just get your dreams fulfilled tubby!

Populoso - God of Social networking - Leave a full size Mars bar at his altar and this deity may give you many Twitter or Facebook followers, your self esteem will soar like Icarus.

Sweatus Shoppinia - Goddess of Bargain Garments - Imagine you have the power to foresee all within the Target catalogue, pray to her and your discount clothes bounty will flow like wine.

Saint Rhodetrippe - Patron Saint  of Traffic and Travel - Keep a effigy of this guy on your dashboard, you might get longer greens at traffic lights, Volvos may mysteriously move out of your lane and public toilets become more apparent and cleaner.

Hiyass-core - Spirit of the Hunt - Can't complete a level, destroy a demon or vanquish a ghost on your choice of computer game? Burn two novels, anything Bronte or Stephen King is suggested, in the pyre for this deity and you could find yourself master of your Dungeons and Dragons club chapter in no time ( I used this one myself )

In a society where we have so much, it seems natural to get just a little bit more, after all you deserve it , you've managed to read all this without sending a text, go spoil yourself.  

   

Saving Keystrokes - the new way to a less ''tappy'' you.

Isn't it funny (or I.I.F)  that over the past 10 years or so abbreviations and acronyms have permeated our culture so much that you can virtually just type a series of capital letters into Facebook or Twitter and have the person you're addressing understand what you're saying perfectly well. And isn't it amusing that sometimes your parents pickup on this trend and start using them also. And isn't it not funny or amusing in any way when grandparents do it!

We all know the easy ones like L.O.L - laughing out loudly and A.S.B.O - anti social behaviour disorder but new ones are constantly being invented and evolving. Here's a crash course on some of the most rad and fly new A'n'As.

I.K.R - I know right?! - meaning far out or that was most unexpected.

W.O.O.T- Will one only try? - Emphatically asking to give it a go or lets try together.

I.D.E.K -  I don't even know - I'm at my wits end and all seems hopeless.

J.P.E.G - Junior photographers explorers gang - Founded early 1995, closed late 1995.

NABISCO - National Australia Bank is cool - Kids banking website with games.

D.V.D - Digital versatile disk - It slices, it dices, it holds digital video.

A.T.M.M - Automated teller machine machine, often wrongly shortened to ATM.

I.K.S.A.S.A.T - I know stuff about stuff and that - I'm in control of the situation.

K.I.R.B - Keeping it real bro - I've been working solidly, KIRS(ista) is in the feminine.

A.I.N.E.C - And it's not even close - You've tried and failed.

Hope this helps otherwise T.A.S.E.W.R.Y.C.T  or ''There are some excellent website resources you can try''.

It's a dog's life ( So stop whingeing Fido! )

For a long time now pets have been used for helping people in need we've all seen the great work organisations like The Royal Guide Dogs ,Pets as Therapy and The Flintstones have done training animals but let's think for a minute, there's loads of other ways maybe pets could be utilised and it might help with fundraising?

Let's explore.

Car Key Sniffing Cat - A cat's sense of smell is fourteen times as sensitive as humans that gives them at least an even money chance of finding where the car keys have been put. Tip: most likely into the fridge with the milk.

Watering Can-ine - What? It's not what you think! Dogs can be trained to carry water around to all your low lying shrubberies. There's a good waterboy!

Dial-a-Dragon - Vicious trained Bearded Attack Dragons can now be hired to protect your precious belongings while you're out. Lizards have loads of dangerous bacteria in their mouths and one bite could result in a nasty infection in 1 in 50 cases but it's just really just upsetting to be owned by a lizard when you're a hardened criminal.

Turkey Surprise - Christmas is coming and with Masterchef gourmet food is more popular than ever also the Central Americans have long known of the delicious taste of the Axolotl, so let's combine these two excellent concepts into a spectacular holiday roast. Purchase three small plump axolotls and feed on meaty scraps till they've grown ready to burst with salamandery goodness, then prepare with roast vegies and onion gravy to finish. Mmm tastes like water chicken. 

Let's get pets to give back to the community so we don't have too.

One fish, two fish, STOP!

The thing about things is that you sometimes forget about stuff, important stuff, stuff happens and things do not , so what's the answer? therapy? Yes, but it's a whole lot more.I once collected so many things someone suggested I cut back a little so I did but that's just one horror story.

Here's just a few yarns from the vaults about collectors gone mad. If you have a weak stomach, turn back now!

One old lady I heard of had a collection of souvenir spoons from around the world she failed to keep them adequately dusted so her friends began to shun her due to the poor state of her collection and the shameful grime in the end she was banned from Tuesday night Bingo.

A vintage car part collector from Brisbane had so many spare nut and bolts that he was forced to miss an afternoon of golf to sort and store his collection more efficiently, poor guy, it was sunny..... and mild.

Guitar enthusiast James Buchanan lost a lucrative government job when he fell in love and married his 1963 Fender Stratocaster ''It has the most beautiful body and I love her neck'' he was reported to say at the reception (I had the chicken), some good news though the couple went on to adopt two orphaned Mandolins.

Careful, be alert, don't fall into the trap of having multiples of the same item, or your life may become an Antiques Horrorshow.