Friday, 20 July 2012

WhileYou Were/Are Sleeping (Pick up the slack you loafer!)

  It's weird to me how one second your all up and awake and walking around doing stuff then for some crazy reason your body weakens and wants to lie down in a dust mite metropolis and go offline for hours on end. Its called sleep and we all do it, all animals anyway and I think that I've even seen microbes and bacteria catch a few winks on disease documentaries when you see them hanging out in the petrie dish in the lab.

  So apparently your body is tired and needs to rest but we still carry on doing some things in our sleep. Sleep talking, sleep walking, sleep peeing and sleep thinking (dreams people!) the sleepy time world is nearly as active as the waking world except it's lying down and has a lot more flannel clothing involved.

  If humans can do one or two functions already while sleeping I can't see why they can't sleep WORK also. Stuffing envelopes, folding clothes and knitting are just three great lying down jobs where you might earn a whole extra pay packet as you dream your little dreams PLUS you can talk and pee too, I'm not the boss of you, if you want to stretch your legs a go for a sleep walk on your own time no biggie here.

  I'm sure there's a dangerous cocktails of medicines and possible medical procedures on the brain to float this amazing plan of mine but I'm sure anybody who has partners with chronic snoring problems would be only too happy to volunteer their loved ones for run of trial experiments. 

Saturday, 7 July 2012

Keeping Up Affearences

  Here's some dumb/weird events that I think might happen in the future. I'm really hoping that if I share them here it might somehow disrupt some time space continuum and stop them from ever happening. Feel free to laugh but remember if you do and then in the future ever share a dumb fear with me I will dump a yoghurt over your head, this isn't a traditional form of mockery but one i just personally enjoy.

a) About once a week I imagine the Sun will have some sort of celestial coughing fit and blow all the atmosphere from the Earth, obviously then everything on the planet dies pretty much instantly after floating about for a second.

b) A time traveler pop in. This is the scenario where your having a completely normal day until a person from the future pops in and the I guess you have to entertain them somehow (tea?) and heed all their boring warnings about being greener in the home and all that jazz.

c) The magnetic poles switch. I've heard this happens every 100 000 years or so and it's no biggie but it sounds scary and so it bothers me plus how will whales and other animals that use magnetic currents know which way is what? A lot of angry confused creatures around I think.

d) No more free to air television. Not a colossal problem but even though 99% of free to air television is pure garbage it feels nice to get the 1% that I watch for free.  

  Ok, that's all for now, I do have more but I know a few of you will begin to worry about these also so I'll lay a few of them on you at a time.  

Friday, 15 June 2012

This is a Domestic Problem

 It's weird the animals that man/woman have decided to domesticate for eating purposes I think. Even if the can double up as work animals around the farm/village the choices that have been made are sub par at best.

 Chickens need clipping, debeaking and controlling in sheds and all that jazz fusion but the common Seagull is just as tasty and comes to you, or your rubbish tip anyways, that's food convenience everybody, when your meal flies in on it's own time and energy to be eaten on a day of your choosing!

 Ok so you say you want a working farm animal you can eat later? The wild boar fits the bill perfectly, much quicker than a horse for getting around and cheaper to feed also, sure they gore people a bit but that's just all part of their charm.

 Replace boring cod and perch species in the farm waterways with pink freshwater river dolphins, sure they're more expensive to purchase initially but now you have a tourist attraction as well as Friday night dinner AND you now have pink freshwater river dolphins, which is pretty cool!

 How many ants does is take to replace some roast beef in a sandwich? I'm not sure probably thousands but luckily there's no shortage of these protein packed mini morsels. Ant farms have been underused as children's toys for way too long. First you meet your pets kids, then you eat your pets kids, that's the thrifty way learn, have fun and avoid hunger at the same time. 

  As always, you are welcome for the tips. Please feel free forward on any delicious pink freshwater river dolphin recipes. 


Friday, 25 May 2012

Think Abouting Cursing Animals

  So I sort of caught a bit of a new story that says dogs can possibly think. This is really amazing but my main focus is that I wonder do they have doggy swear words? Probably, they do right? They have a lot to be angry about in their daily life like trespassers, empty food bowls, balls not moving, cats that are moving and so forth.

  Dogs must really be cursing people (and cats) out sometimes when they bark a lot and I find it harder to love an animal that uses so much bad language. Seeing eye dogs for the blind on the other hand don't bark so much, but you have to let you're feelings out at some point, I assume when their owner is asleep they unleash a mountain of swears into their dog blanket or pillow which allows them the release they don't get as trained professional people helping dogs.

  In America a lot of dogs like to swear/bark at squirrels, here in Australia it's more likely to be a snake or lizard, one way of building up a database of what bark means what is to analyse a lizard swear/bark and a squirrel swear/bark, then we would be well on the way to communicating with dogs and getting them to stop being jerks sometimes.

  Imagine if you could swear back at your dog in it's own language when it misbehaves? Raising your voice and swearing at children works so well I don't see why it wouldn't be as effective on your dog. It's early days but let's hope for a breakthrough in this new scientific field as swears in other languages are also fun to impress friends and relatives.

RUFF RUFF! ( I don't know what that means in Doggish but it's probably very rude)  

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Tom Scharpling comic book fan art.


 Here's a page of comic book art written by myself and drawn/inked by my comic book submission collaborator Bruce Lugli. It's to celebrate the genius of writer, broadcaster and comedian Tom Scharpling.

Hope you all enjoy it.

More comic book stuff from us:

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

It's Smaller World After All (My plans are implemented)

  I like foods that make me fat, but I don't like being fat! It's a problem as old as time(I can't back that up, so don't ask), we want what's bad for us and large amounts of it. That's why I'm proposing a nationalisation of the supply of sugar and fat by the government. We can't be expected to control our fat food dependancies on our own if all that's required to get our pudgey hands on it is by is trading money for these substances, proper control and distribution needs to be instigated and backed up by legislation. Apart from a population generally fitter, healthier and more productive we might actually end up with a defence force capable of invading and annexing New Zealand? Which is something that most Australians have had on their wish list since Papua New Guinea became independent.

  I know your thinking that a fat and sugar control program is a sugar free pie in the sky idea and could never get off the ground but consider all the other controlled substances found in chemists? That kind of works right? Under my program each person would get an photo identity card, children under 10 years old would be on their parents or guardians card, then it would as simple as calling into registered sugar or fat merchants to get your allowance each week. Non sugar/fat eating people would have to be on a separate data bank because they would be liable to become dealers of these substances after storing their allowances for a number of weeks. If they wanted to return to the fat foods eating community they would have to write a essay about how they'd like to start watching a lot of TV and such and such. 

  I know it's a harsh measure but desper-FAT times call for desperate measures. Keep these factors in mind: No Gym sessions, no cooking shows(containing sugar or fat which make you crave bad foods and bored to death), no exercise programs on TV, no advertisements for exercise equipment on TV, honestly, the benefits go on and on. The only negatives are that our private details will be tracked slightly more so by the government..who love us. After one year of this new regime anyone still deemed chubby or husky would be sent to New Zealand (which we have annexed by that point) to walk it off in the mountains searching for new or endangered Kiwi Bird species.

  Think you've skirted around my legislation by eating gallons of honey? Well all Bee hives would be surrounded by a electric fences Einsteins! 

Saturday, 14 April 2012

Well I Thought About the Army.

  Most boys and some girls at some stage go through a phase of playing armies, I guess it's something that you see on TV and in movies and think is really cool. This is just a reminder that real war can be fairly awful, there's bad food, noise, dust, lots of marching, tent erecting, gun cleaning and killing people plus your smart uniform gets all dirty and your Mum's not around to wash it for you! So the reality does not at all match up with the fantasy. This is the same with a number of childhood aspirations I eventually discovered. They seem awesome at first, then learning how to do the job is quite boring. I'll take you through a few professions that I was going to pursue as a child until effort rose it's fugly head.

Army Officer - As I found out this required going to some weird army university called Duntroon or something, I had 6 more years of school to complete at that point so the thought of doing more wasn't palatable. The army was then out, playing armies was still totally in though.

Park and Wildlife Officer - I love animals and wearing khaki shorts (even too this day) once again there was university to complete but I thought it might be easier because I knew a lot of the animals names already. Then I found out there was fencing and wooden hut building involved plus you might get posted to somewhere dusty which was kind of what I hated about the army i.e. getting my khaki shorts dirty.

Chef - This was realistically something I could do but then I figured out that someone has to do all the washing up from the cooking plus the restaurant. Would that be my job as a chef? I didn't know but I'd already washed enough dishes by the age of 10 to know I was definitely going to avoid it as a an adult. Being a Chef was too risky, think again Dan.

Astronaut - Too me this was like driving a car but in space and with rockets. I was never on board with all this going to the Moon business but shooting lasers from a safe distance at evil space aliens seemed a good way to earn a living and there was generally a uniform that was sometimes khaki. I then found out you had tone Russian or American to become an astronaut so that drew a line through that plan!

  So it was one crushing revelation after another on the career front for little Dan but then something wonderful happened, I found sport, but that's a whole different disappointing chapter.