Friday, 9 September 2011

There's No Place (to) Like Gnome(s)

I bet your thinking ''Gnomes are so cool! This is going to be an excellent gnomey update on everything rad concerning the known gnomiverse! ''.
Well you couldn't be more wrongerful, gnomes are wicked, spiteful creatures and should not be trusted and I'll tell you why.
Enchanted ceramic gnomes became popular in the 1840's where they were put in  vegetable patches to scare away thieving Pixies by playing Irish folk music ballads after becoming animated by the light of the moon. Unfortunately their constant pipe smoking also gave some of vegies skin tumors, particularly the pumpkins.
The next application for gnomes was to guard goldfish ponds from hungry waterbirds but they instantly turned to fishing out the goldfish themselves and trading them for leather vests.
Lately these tiny terrors have been utilized is for keeping spare house keys safe by standing on them outside peoples front doors.. This has only led to a rash of break and enters because the gnomes put up little resistance to full grown people and there's actually hidden camera footage of one gnome collaborating with a burgular after motioning with his eyes towards the house key beneath him. The owners lost most of their home electronics and two Barbie dolls. The dolls were thankfully later released in exchange for a small tub of moustashe wax.
Monitor your gnomes peple! Keep them tethered by night or place them in a government accredited 'Gnome Hutch' if you're worried about gnome cruelty.
And please remember gnome wrestling is still banned in all states except on Zach Galifianakis'  Birthday.

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