Footlosers.

I know we all fantasize that one day our town will be the one that's bans dancing. Apart from making otherwise reasonable people look very silly, it poses a considerable occupational health and safety risk, especially when any song involving ''Getting your hands up'' is played.

Discotheques are an accident waiting to happen, or possibly the accident has already happened, I have no idea as I only attend proper seated functions where moving your body around is reserved for the secret handshake only.

Other social conventions are just as foolhardy, handshaking spreads Salmonella and kissing can result in bird, swine and sometimes human flu. I even understand that some germs have ''No returns'' ? Which sounds horrible.

A small number of vertebrae displacements result from slaps on the back and there's even one documented case on concussion from a pat on the back of the head.

The social convention that creates the largest number of hospitalisations is the hug.  There can be accidental rib fractures, shoulder dislocations and head trauma from going in on the wrong side. It causes nervous tension in young children at family functions.

Look, if you really really have to touch another person why not go for a hearty high five or pinch on the cheek (face cheek you pervert!) that's something everyone can enjoy and no one gets hurt.  

8 Fun and EZ Ways To Annoy Others

I bet I got you rankled already? 8 ways? Why not 10 or 20? This is my theory exactly, annoy people mildly and when they least expect avoiding conflict and going to bed knowing you've made a difference in a small but negative way.

1. Mispronouncing words - Particularly effective with people you have regular contact with. Try ''vee-hickle'' for vehicle or ''Eye-talian'' instead of Italian, if you can't see the steam rising just use ''aks'' in place of ask for a week but this may induce a seizure.

2. ''Accidental'' Smudging - Wife or Mother hate her shiny surfaces too have greasy hand prints all over them? You may not like this either? But you have a score too settle so leave one or two beauties each day and fein ignorance when you get yelled at.

3. Talk Radio - Even on short journeys there usually an opportunity to get in a a few annoyance licks by shouting back at the broadcast, ''Oh c'mon!'' is great for sport and singing the wrong lyrics to Beatles songs always gets results.

4. Shortfall - Leave an unusable amount of toilet paper on the roll, every time.

5. Two's company - If anybody borrows an item from you always announce ''Remember that's a boomerang'' after they go say too all ''Ha, I always say that'' it's called  the double barrel and I highly recommend it.

6. Recurring Compliment - Tell the same person every time you see them they look like they're losing weight, trust me, it's a creeper, they'll hate you eventually.

7. Breath-less - It takes practise but if you can master a nose whistle or weird off beat breathing style it could be a valuable weapon in your arsenal.

8. A Bow Tie - Just wear a bow tie.

I know some of you have been victims too these methods but knowledge is power, now go get some revenge, it feels great . 

Genes for Genes...not Jeans.

What if everybody could have one of those really happy dogs with two tails?  Or feed the world's starving people with chicken flavoured whales? Be awesome hey?

And that's why a crack team of scientists are taking genetic engineering to the max to try solve these annoying problems and ensure continuing research funds. 

My sources in Europe have reported back with a few of the secret projects that will make for a plumper, quicker, fluorescent, salt reduced, longer lasting, gluten free, essential oil enriched tomorrow. 

* Sheep taste nice, produce wool and milk but tend to buckle under the weight of even an average humans weight but new 'Travel Sheep' are bigger and sturdier and can go 20 kilometres on one bunch of spinach, comes in four new exciting colours too!

* ''Mommy Goldy's dead!'' it's the sentence no parent ever likes to hear, that's why cockroach DNA has been inserted into the common goldfish to create the 'Goldroach'  it's virtually indestructible and can even live without a head for a week although that's horrible obviously.

*  I like seedless watermelon but hey, sometimes I like the challenge of a seeded melon experience, the 'Half and Half Melon' kills two birds with one fruit. 

* I have a Justin Bieber wig as I'm sure you all do too, but it's going to wear out quickly with constant use, enter the the 'Bieber Wig Guinea Pig' , can be easily trained to sit quietly on your dome by attaching a treat dish to your forehead.

Hooray DNA research! It's the family friendly side of the Mad Scientist's community. 

Feud For Thought

The popularity of the 'Twilight' saga and subsequent films has brought to our attention the long held and very real grudges between Vampires and Werewolves. And although bloody battles between supernatural beings in mossy forests is something we've very much become accustomed too in modern times and there are other feuds between other monster groups that sometimes go unnoticed:

Mummies versus Frankensteins - Ever since Mummies have been imported into Western culture these two parties have quarreled over the right too walk slowly through the night with arms stretched out in front of them.

Wood Elf versus Water Sprite - The Sprites control the water, the Elves need water for their enchanted mushroom crops, In times of drought costly court battles often ensue.

Ogre versus Troll - With air travel being more common not as many bridges are getting built, over population under bridges in reaching crisis levels.

Yeti versus Sasquatch - Deforestation in America has forced Sasquatches into alpine Yeti territories leading too vicious slanging matches, also Australian Yowies are now under threat due too 'Boat Yetis' arriving seeking asylum.

There's no easy answers even though there's no written test, if you see a homeless Ogre or a busking Pixie just give what you can.