Reality Bites

From 'The Osbournes' to 'The Kardashians' and back again, we all love to watch people we may have vaguely heard of going about their daily routine with a couple of dozen TV crew members trailing behind to catch all the entertainment gold.

Sarcastic much? Who me? Or should I say, Whom I? No, I shouldn't I was right the first time but don't get me started on Grammer-isms.

There's loads and loads of reality programs flooding our televisions day and night seemingly without relent but what does that tell you? It tells you people like them and we should make some more! But with so many we need a edge, something to set our shows apart from the pack. 

Let's think outside the box, then put everything  back into the box just like Mum said or no watching 'Khloe and Kourtney' young man:

The Tallest Losers- Really tall Geeks have a chance to win Star Wars collectables by decreasing their height by any non surgical method e.g starvation, jumping off roofs or heavy hats of some type.

Carpet Men - We follow a team of cheeky young carpet layers in their work-a-day lives but there's always a surprise twist in every show that I can't tell......ok, it's silverfish shhhh.

Undercover Mother - A real life Mom is kidnapped and replaced with a lookalike  police detective, she then collects information on the family concerning waste recycling infringements climaxing in the entire family being arrested, real life drama people.

But this is just the tip of the reality show iceberg, hey that's another one! 'Iceberg Watch' it's topical and apt , see how easy it is?

See you on TV...I hope.

  

Heroes for Hire

Heroes for Hire!

Oh my God you guys! I've just come back from seeing 'X-men: First Class' at the movies and I'm so excited! Apart from the fact Mum has said we have Fish Finger Pie * for supper I've come up with a great idea to genetically engineer a van load of real life superheroes to help us in our everyday life just because doing stuff is boring and being places is whack.

So I've secured a bit of Uranium, lots of things that buzz and ping and borrowed a ''Mad Scientist'' wig and goggles, now I'm ready to begin mutating some folks here's a few I've thought of so far:

Q-Jumper - Hold his hand on any line and you're teleported straight to first served every time.

Khaki Kruesader - Vigilantly knows where the car keys are at all times.

The Recycling Avenger - Expertly sorts your garbage appropriately....more or less.

Sooper Pooper Scooper Man - Just walks the dog but in a sparkly purple jumpsuit and scoop!

Lawn Man and Pruning Boy - The dynamic duo of garden care.

Captain Google It - Her hands are poised above the keyboard 24/7.

Wander Woman - Jog, stroll, hike? She's your gal.

General Vengence - Available for variety of small revenge jobs, no grudge too small.

Come up with a few of your own and I'll be happy to irradiate them u[p for you. It's heaps good fun**

* http://www.birdseye.co.uk/recipes/detail/fish-finger-pie/

** Actual level of fun may vary subjectively.

It's all a joke.

Comedy is often no laughing matter, just ask Jim Belushi, he's been at it for 30 years and still not one funny moment, incident or happenstance. That aside comedy has a rich tradition dating back to Olde Englande where it was called 'mirth' and could only be heard by nobles on pain of death! 

The first recorded joke went a little like this, '' How many Kings does it take to pull a sword  out of a stone?'' Answer, ''One, but he must be the chosen one and called Arthur'' HA, still makes me chortle, the old rubbish ones really are the best.

But times have moved on and now we need to create jokes that everyone can enjoy, that doesn't offend but still tickles the funny bone. Let's try one.

We need a pretence, how about a bar? But bars sometimes bring up negative thoughts of bashings, let's make it a shop. Maybe someone goes in there?  Say, a bunny, everyone like bunnies since Bugs was murdered for being annoying in '73.

Ok, so a bunny goes into a clothing shop, we better make it a talking bunny or the joke stops here. 

Let's finish it off and see what we've got:

A bunny goes into a shop.

Bunny: Hi, I like to buy a fur coat?

Shop assistant: But why? You already have a fur coat, it's attached to you!

Bunny: Yes, but THAT fur coat there used to be my Mommy and I miss her.

Shop assistant: Ha ha! Oh dear here you go, now hop it.

That's good clean fun folks.

Prediction: You hear this twenty times at work tomorrow the wrong way round.

Dating: Be more less alone today!

  More and more often I'm asked these days I'm asked ''Dan, you're never short of female company and you never ever will be, how do you do it?''. Dating! It's synonymous with nervousness, sweaty palms and awkward silences so it's no surprise that when 10th Century Persian date harvesters wanted to start a family they adopted the phrase to these amorous activities, and much like the popular pudding, it's stuck. Here's my top tips to get from swooning to spooning:

Personal Grooming - First impressions are critical and this Winter's mens fashions in from Europe suggest: Nose hair is hot while ear hair is not. Win!

Knitwear - It's an age old dating problem, jumper or cardigan? While I've had some great nights out in my cable knit turtleneck, I have a sleeveless cardigan which looks stylish with any type of corduroy pant or short. Go the 'gan!

Home Date - Restaurants are the main cause of unsightly food bills that can sully an otherwise frugal night out. Eat at home! Invite your Mum round for dinner then explain the rest when she gets there, she loves you right?

Music - Regarding the 'Home Date' choice of tunes it's so easy 'Simply Red' or 'Michael Buble' and if you want something less raucous try 'Michael Buble sings Simply Red'. 

  Give these a go and I'll guarantee you'll be picking out the paper plates for your wedding barbie in no time.

Movie Snacks Do's and Don'ts

More and more often I'm asked these days I'm asked ''Dan, which snack or candy goes with which beverage? And what's the social etiquette?''  A great question! Eating when watching a movie or Tv is a minefield of embarassment and I always recall an incident at a party where I offered Pretzels along with apple juice! Arrgh! I know what you're thinking and believe me I was mortified but I was young, brash and thought I knew it all about salted food snacks back then, I had much to learn.

Obviously we can't cover all the complexity of sofa snacking rules here now but here's my top tips that will keep you out of trouble for most occasions:

1. Lollies, Sweets and Candies - Any carbonated drink goes perfectly with these, diet soft drinks are acceptable though frowned upon at formal occasions Note: the gas from these helps break down sugars into harmless indigestion.

2. Chocolate or Candy coated chocolates - Best option here is the dairy group be it milk or drinking yoghurt everybody loves a stomach full of milk and chocolate.  Serving Suggestion: nothing beats 200g of Smarties  dissolved into a 400ml glass of  full cream milk on a hot Summer's evening. Why not spoil yourself!

3. Salted Food Snacks - Be it chips, pretzels or popcorn there's only one option? The cordial family! Lime or raspberry for a party atmosphere or  pine/orange for a romantic night in. Go on surprise the Missus!

* Marshmallows are considered 'Wild' and can be served with any beverage outside of sparkling fruit drinks obviously.

The History of Food

Getting kids to eat healthily can be a chore but getting them to consume their history studies is even harder. So how can we combine two negatives and get a positive? Well we can't, it's a mathematical  impossibility.  Or is it? Confused? Too many questions? Let us try to combine healthy meals with lashings of history through the power of...imagination.

Recipe Uno: Take a ordinary common or garden variety pet dog, the larger the better, and strap a 20-30cm wooden stake to it's forehead, but I bet you're way ahead of me? Yes it's the 'Uni-dog-a-corn' or 'Pupp-a-corn-a-une'.  Use this fun prop to explain the mystical powers of fabled Unicorn throughout the ages, there's a 40 question quiz and 2000 word essay at the end and the best pupil is awarded one can of corn. Score! 

Recipe 2: Books are becoming a thing of the past but inspire new passion for literature with Franken-furters for dinner! Just like Mary Shelley's famous monster dead pieces of meat from various animals are brought together to give life to a diabolical creation, the hotdog. Weinering!

Recipe 3: The history of air travel can be a little dull, but show some video  of a 800 foot air ship plummeting out of the sky in a fireball before dinner and suddenly everyone's paying attention. Then start you're lesson on airships and gases lighter than air, just when the kids think it couldn't be more fun what's for tea? Hindenburgers (It's basically an oval shaped meat pattie with chili sauce). Hot stuff!

Parents are always looking forward to being a burden on their kids old age, lets produce the best quality free nursemaids we can people! 

Greenhouse Giants

Movies have been made about them, books have been written and I'm sure we've all done a lot soul searching on the issue but there seems to be no escaping the facts: Giant animals are destroying the Earth!

Unknown scientists in unnamed research facilities around the world have been working on the issue of gigantism in animals since the documentary 'King Kong' was released in 1933 here's just a small section of the findings.

Porky Pigeons - Gorging on processed high protein stock feeds the average Wild Pigeon's weight has ballooned from 370g in 1990 to 400g in 2010! Very bad news for statues and cars in urban areas, not to mention Mum's washing.

Caramello Koala - How much extra weight can Koala bear? It's an old joke but no one's laughing at Otway National Park where voracious XXL Koalas have been traced to mass deforestation and several incidents involving visitors being hit by falling dung balls.

Methane  Mites - Termites produce the most amount of greenhouse effect causing methane than any other animal including the sparrow. The average termite is now 40% larger than in 1974 when they were introduced into Australia to combat a plague of souvenir boomerangs. We can't excuse their gas emissions any longer.

There's no one way to stop gigantism in animals just being alert to the problem is a good start and of course continue to keep a weekly log of your pets length and weight, but this is just common sense. 

  

Toilet Humour

As the saying goes if you don't do it, you die. And while statistics supporting this particular theory are sketchy at best, what's even more confusing is when we try to analyse why anybody would try to hold in waste products to point where it might have lethal repercussions? But who am I to knock these fads I never had a skateboard or one of them fancy schmancy toothbrushes either. But going to the toilet can be a little dull, so I've concocted a few simple games to while away the hours we all spend spending a penny on the potty.

Battleships - Take and decorate 3 or 4 cupcake liner papers, I always make mine Spanish Galleons but pirate ships are always popular with the kids, place in your toilet and I'll let you connect the dots how to play. ''Take that Barbossa!''

Space Shuttlecock - Reenact favourite space TV series with just few feathers and the air freshener, the only limit is your imagination as your various craft whoosh throughout the pine scented W.C galaxy. Set phasers to fun!

Notepaper - Everyone in the house is going to visit the littlest room in the aforementioned house at some point in the day so why not use the roll to convey messages to the family.  ''Need milk'' is a common one or ''Record Glee for me please'' is another. ''I see you'' or ''Look behind you'' are fun ones and the best way to start any Mothers Day morning is with a ''Wee love you Mum''  toilet tissue message.  

Make your lavatory motto ''The fun never stops till the seat drops''.

Get your party started!

  More and more often I'm asked these days I'm asked ''Dan, your parties are legendary, how can I get my function or small gathering to swing as well as yours?'' 

Well in olden times it used to be getting your party stopped that was the issue and by the way I use the 'flicking on and off the light method' if that's ineffective try shooting people dirty looks from the front of the room and yelling ''I can wait all day people!''  and that will generally puts dampener on the mood and you can call some taxis.These days with internet interactions being the latest fad people need a little prodding to loose their inhibitions and have an extra cider or three!

Here's how you do it:

1. Bad Snacks -  My favourites for this are a 'Nut filled cheese log' and 'Sweet and sour mini Quiches' and I can guarantee that 2 seconds after you've left the room people will start to chat and bond about the poor food on offer. You've been slagged OFF but the 'Fun' button is now ON!

2. Catch and 'KISS' - Similar to the child's game except when someone is caught they can choose which makeup from members of rock band 'KISS' they'd like to wear for the night, as long as it's not Peter Criss!

3. The Domino Sway - Dancing is always tricky to instigate at any social function and this is quite advanced. Put some funky music on, 'Seal' or 'Michael Buble' usually fits the bill and just loiter next to a group of friends, then slowly start to sway in time gently nudging the person next to you, let's physics to the rest.  

4. The Stand Over - This is your go to plan if all else fails. Find a large serving spoon preferably wood, pop 'Pink's' awesome hit 'Get your party started' on the hi-fi   and this where my advice from earlier kicks in, give each partay pooperer a good prod with said spoon, two in the shoulder for the ladies and one good one in the back of the head for the lads you might try whispering ''Go on, do it'' for the hard cases. Simples!

  So there you have it. Don't give your acquaintances yet another reason to judge you negatively 'Get your party started' and be a better person by being popular.

Sounding Cool for Beginners

More and more often these days I'm asked the ''D-man, you the dopest  flyboy round these parts, but how'd you get so awsomelywickedliscious?''. It's a question as accurate as it is linguistically confusing but I wasn't always the 'hepcat'  with the silver tongue I am today. I was once a 'newb' or beginner in cool slang and coming from 100% North European stock I had to develop a system to earn my 'street cred'.  Lets explore!

The Ol' Vic - No one perfected using 10 words when 2 would suffice better than the Victorians (1837-1901), therefore there's a wealth of unused words now waiting for exploitation. Consider Panchymagogue, meaning a good medicine. Used thusly '' What you need is a good panchymagogue man!'' 

Note: Use 'man' whenever possible.  

The Mash Up - This is easy and fun, just take two words and combine to form your own street slang. E.g Bacon + Delicious =  Baconlicious or Jumper + Terrific = Jumpriffic.

I like to Praise You - Everybody loves praise, so use some of your new street words when complimenting a friend or loved one and you'll both reap the benefit. Try this:

'' I'm buggin' on your crazy  awsomtacularness girlfrang'' meaning ''You look nice''.

Hope you 'dig' this, your parents won't understand you but maybe they never did anyway? Right kids?

How Awesome Am I?

In 2010 the New South Wales parliament enacted the 'Awesomeness Act' an important piece of legislation outlining a standardised method for testing 'Awenosity Levels' in regional areas, this replaced the defunct 'Radical Regulation 1997'. Now we've all thumbed through the document briefly but what real life applications can we take into our lives and what does the 'Equation of Awe' mean to ordinary Australians? 

The Equation of Awe  A = X-Y x N 

When X equals your number of Facebook friends, minus Y your number of hooded t-shirts, times N your number of 'awesome attributes' as laid down in Schedule 4 of the Act. 

Here's an example: 

My fond acquaintance Matty B, his equation looks like this. 

650 Facebook friends, 6 hooded Ts but only 2 awesome attributes so:

650 - 6 x  2 = 1288, Matt has a low 'Awenosity Level'  out of a possible 2000 and receives an 'Epic Fail'

Lets try my workmate Taylor Power:

343 - 14 x 5 = 1645 this is excellent, although his hooded t levels are dangerously high his awesome attributes make up the difference receiving a 'Winning Sheen' award.

It's as easy as one, two, threesy. Hope this helps you calculate your own 'Awenosity Level' in a fun way. Remember representatives from The Department of  Departments will be in town on April 1 to collect your 'Equation of Awe' testing forms.

Weight loss

....Weight lost! I should say so!

More and more often these days I'm asked ''Dan, you have a ripped six pack like Jesus and the biceps of a Bulgarian watermelon juggler, how do you keep so darn buff and attractive?'' Of course it's pretty easy for someone like myself, I naturally have the low body fat and facial symmetry that Western culture prefers but as a community service and as part of my community service I've concocted a 'Hike-Pikers Guide to the Galaxy'  which is actually aimed just at the inhabitants of Earth rather than an all encompassing fitness regime for every creature within the Milky Way but it's a great title!

1. Cauliflower Power - First build up some energy by downing two or three strawberry or banana milkshakes, steer clear of chocolate though it's full of empty calories. Supporting your local grocer purchase two cauliflowers and strap one to each ankle, now it's time to jog home using a pizza for dinner as incentive. Try running a little further each day or putting a avocado in each pocket. 

2. Eat right - That is, through the mouth, other orifice options for ingesting food are often painful, messy and the worst way to feel the burn.

3. Wait lifting - Older people can often use a hand around the home so why not wait around an old folks home for the opportunity to burn off some calories cleaning a bedpan or fluffing the odd pillow? Showing off how strong you are compared to an 80 year old is great for morale too! Note: It's acceptable to receive a 'Werther's Original' for payment of these duties and it's tax deductable.

Stick to these rules and adopt my 'No fudge! No pudge to budge' eating recommendations and I'll meet you on the catwalk in no time. 

Ants: Natures six legged Ant-like creatures.

or The Public Life of Ants

 Last weekend I found myself with a few extra spare hours and some graph paper so I done what any sensible person would do and commenced a study called 'Ants at Work and Play' and I think you'll be surprised at the data I've compiled. It will possibly change your opinion somewhat about our future masters, that is when a combination of increased Uv radiation and greenhouse gases cause them to grow to over a metre, but I digress, here's what I found out:

1. The Entertainers  - Ants can lift 10-50 times their body weight but rarely do, quite often they just grab a dry leaf that only looks heavy as they strut around looking smug to passing Beetles.

2. Pass the Parcel - A good percentage of Ants will run backwards and forwards through the column passing the same twig between their workmates accomplishing nothing, these are the bureaucrats of Ant society.

3. Law and Order - Soldier Ants protect the colony and provide O, H and S and can often be heard yelling things like '' Walk! Don't run with that sharp seed'' , ''Brush those antennae!'' or ''Move along, move along''.

   

   Hopefully we can all take something away from this even if it's that Ants have speech next week 'The Bloodhound - What so sad?'. 

Make People Like You

or Winning at friends and influencing your peeps.

Now no one wants to die alone, it's a simple truth that's hardwired into the human psyche like wanting to pinch babies cheeks or avoiding people collecting for charity, it just makes good sense. As we grow older our bodies wear out and we look towards partners, friends and family to take up the slack and often take up our slacks if going to the toilet has become a issue.

A problem shared is a problem halved, for you that is, the person helping you now has one whole new problem, which brings me to the nub of my gist, that is how to drag others into your aging pain spiral by making them like you:

1. Consensus - In conversation whenever someone disagrees with you try this sentence '' Hmm, now I think about it your right! What rubbish was I thinking? How'd you get so smart AND attractive?''.  The only thing folks like more than being right all the time is being told their right and attractive all the time.

2. The Neverending Shout - Some people are quite easy to train using treats, in this case alcoholic beverages. One they have associated your face with free booze your friendship is guaranteed. 

3. Dangle the Dollars - ''I'm single, getter older and have all your pension money stowed away but who will be the beneficiary on my demise?'' Make sure throw this sentence in at all social gatherings and watch your Inbox fill with invitations for dinner! 

Delete 'Loneliness XP' and install 'Popularity Vista' today!