Goodbye 2011, Hello Twenty Twelve.

  It's a new year and we're all making our resolutions aren't we? Some involving our careers or relationships, others involving getting things done better, faster more often. While I'm not against the ''biggies'' I think we can postively reaffirm our lives every day by completing a host of what I call ''tiddler'' resolutions. These are the little guys that everyone can do and don't cause any disruption too your New Years Eve pre-resolution routine either.

  Let's consider weight loss issues, instead of ''I will get thinner'' resolve ''I will look thinner'' by wearing black lots or growing your hair over some of your neck rolls. Often flexing around family and peers can sometimes give them the false impression you've been working out and are looking more ripped than usual, or partially ripped if you weren't ripped at all previously, so resolve to ''Flex at least once every gathering of friends or family''.

  If you want to make a resolution along the lines of promising to keep up with people better or ''being a better friend'' this can easily be done by joining up with any number of automatic email delivery services. You can schedule emails to be sent weekly or bi-weekly it's really flexible, remember to always end your messages with something like ''been having trouble with my email, if you want to chat more better call me'' this adds a great personal touch and if anybody has anything valid to say they will ring you which saves money though does have the disadvantage that some of these satellite acquaintances will make contact with you but that's what voicemail is all about isn't it?

  Working harder or being better at work is one of the most common resolutions you will hear and it's potentially the most strenuous. I suggest getting to work a bit earlier, nothing life changing just one or two minutes should do it, but is that enough? We'll it's certainly more work therefore qualifies as a success even if you don't do any more actual work, hey, you're trying and bosses love seeing initiative. Another easy one is make a promise to read every third memo, you've probably been reading one if five or six but reading one in three will give you a better idea of what's going on in your workplace. Now you seem to be the best of the worst in the office, hello promotion, then you might be sending the memos, look at me now Mom!

  Regarding trying harder in relationships resolutions it's so so easy, men share a feeling twice a week and ladies pick one night every two weeks not to talk through the sports news and you're all set.

Let's all have a great twenty twelve, try it, it's shorter. 

The First 'First World Problems'

  People complain a lot don't they? Considering everyone I know has at least shelter, food, water and most of them a whole lot more. It makes me really annoyed sometimes but these ''first world problems'' are valid I guess in the context of modern society and I bet there were people whining about their ''primitive world problems'' even back in the stone age. 

  For example the ''cave men''? We would say cave people these days and quite rightly but you know there must have been only so many caves to go round. I have only seen four caves total in my life so premium cave space would have been highly sought after. There must have been loads of gossip over how '' The Grunks sucked up to the Chief to get their sleeping area away from drafty end of the cave, I wish we were the Chief's pet ''.  That will get really boring fast when you're just trying to survive without being eaten by a Sabre Tooth Tiger.

  Any sort of cave person-al grooming would be viewed as pretentious so having your pals rolling their eyes at each other over your ''I can't get this wolf pelt to sit right on my hips'' complaint wouldn't be hard. You'd also hear plenty of bitching over the girls who can't stop checking out their reflection in the pond, ''She thinks she's the fertility God's gift too men'' will probably be muttered behind their backs.  

  First world problems/complaints have been going on for thousands of years, although I might omit the plague years when most gripes were actually well founded, so ignore them or join in? I'm just about to ring a few friends and complain how I'm too damn funny and talented and how it's a burden to eventually have to be a role model for up and coming writers.   

Dear Santa: A Gift for You!

  I guess Santa Claus is now in his cleaning up and putting away tools stage of his working year before the biggest job of all, the delivery. It's funny that he trusts the Elves to help with the present production but not with delivery, maybe they don't work well unsupervised?

  On the subject of Elves I think Santa might want to tweak his human resources policy to get the most out of his workforce. Most of the Elves I've seen are tiny except in the Lord of the Rings where they are tall but seem more interested in platting their hair than any hard graft in a toy factory.

  I propose each Elf be paired with a Dwarf in a buddy system. Dwarves are historically hard workers, they often sing whilst working which is great for morale. Any piece of toy or tool that a Elf can't handle a Dwarf certainly can, leaving the Elves nibble fingers to contend with any electrical circuitry etc.  Dwarf will also keep a tricky Elf in line, if they think they are going to sneak off the job while a Dwarf is around they better get ready for a shock!

  I'm not saying Santa isn't doing a great job, I'm just trying to give something back in a proactive way. When the big guys comes calling Christmas Eve I'll have more than a cookie and milk waiting, I'll have this letter full of good advice and that's the gift that keeps giving the whole year through. 

Illustration by Bruce Lugli.

   

A 14 year old Dan takes a swipe at government.

  Politicians are dumb dudes aren't they? They go on and on about stuff like climate change and workplace legislation but never take the time to sort out the big issues. Why can't we have a price ceiling on pizzas at $3.95? They want to stay in government but won't make the hard decisions and I don't get it, pizzas have never been government subsidized and it's well overdue.  

  And the guys running countries now are really boring suit types. I think each country should pick a rock star and make them the President. I would have David Bowie for our leader, for Britain they should have Meatloaf and the USA could have Anthony Kiedis because he likes drugs so much and so do they. This would make all political stuff cool as under my plan congress and speeches and stuff would tour from city to city in a partying and rocking out roadshow, also you could buy your own Presidents merch and not look like a total dorkenheimer.

  Income tax is collected to pay for everything but I think you should be able to choose where your Dad's tax money goes. If you want roads you can attach a short story on how roads are cool and all that. This way everybody gets a fair way in the how the country gets run not like now when they build more schools or trains and I'm like ''whatever''.

  Or vote for me next election that I'm old enough to be in and I'll give you a voucher for a soda or run off a copy of 'Epic' for you. FAITH NO MORE ROOLS!

Ready, Set, Decorate!

  Architecture and set design on television shows is something that has affected my life more than it probably should have. For instance when I inspect a home for sale I compare the living area to that of the Brady Bunch's which seemed like it was a couple of hundred square feet and about thirty foot high, more like a cathedral for flared lapels than a family home. If there's ever a brick or stone feature wall I'll always think ''Pfft, I don't think Mike would've chosen that, haven't these people ever seen an Brady design before?'' 

  On Happy Days, I feel Al always had a lot of wasted area where patrons could have been seated on the dance floor as bands weren't really playing that often, he wasn't maximising the earning potential of his establishment and it showed in his general attitude to his customers and somewhat spoiled the otherwise chirpy vibe of the show for me.

  One of the shows that were more realistic in their sets was Blossom. I always felt the Blossom house seemed about right for a single parent who was a musician, it was small enough to be intimate whilst providing plenty of hiding spots for the hard drugs we all know that those showbizzy types go in for.

  Family Ties is easily my favorite for set design. The spaces were just the right size, tasteful and elegantly decorated providing for a high standard of finish. It was noticeably always fairly dimly lit which has really influenced me in my lighting choices. I mainly have lamps on dimmer switches which I've marked so they remain in what I call the ''Keaton Zone''.

  Drop me line if you have any more interest? I'd be happy to mail out some swatches and colour suggestions I've collected from the Alf and Rockford Files sets, they will certainly never go out of fashion, quality never does.  

(N)ice Age

In a year or two the next ice age will begin and that's going to force seven billion humans plus all the animals and insects on the planet into living around the thin strip of habitable land near the Equator. 

This will bring about a lot of huge changes in our lives but the biggest will probably be; manners, we're going to have to step it up a bit people! If you're sharing your dwelling with 43 other humans, a rhino, a colony of termites and some pelicans for example, you're going to have to be pretty careful what you do and say to keep the peace.

Be respectful of other creatures habits and rituals, there's lots of nocturnal animals, so loud music is out and don't slam that door, you know the possums were up all night foraging, that sort of thing.     

It's important to make a list of jobs and delegate them evenly between the species, granted it's tricky to convince the lizards it's their turn to clean the kitchen but if these things aren't kept on track chaos will ensue.

You have a little time so use it wisely to prepare for the next big chill, store pencils, paper, good quality cardboard for making signs and schedules these are the organizational tools that will get you through the next ten thousand years of nasty weather and keep the household ticking along smoothly.

Food For Thought, Love and a Happier You.

For thousands of years humans have used the many naturally occurring medicinal plants that exist to ease their suffering from pain and disease, at some point ancient peoples became aware of different plants that could ease their suffering from reality, such as the Opium Poppy and Coco Plant.

So times have changed and a lot of modern foods are highly processed but experimental eating habits amongst single men late at night have yielded a new crop of beneficial food combinations that can help to bring about a happy, more productive but lot more bleeding ulcer inhabited you.

Skittles and  Brown Rice - Use this combination to increase your mathematical skills, one of the comments from our test group was ''I kinda felt like Dustin Hoffman in A Beautiful Mind, except taller'' 

Cheese and Crackers - Finding it hard to focus? After 6 weeks on this meal as a sole diet you will be able to sit and concentrate on tasks for up too twice as long as previously.

Fish Oil, Chilli Sauce and Vanilla Ice Cream - Please insist on vanilla, I don't want anyone to get hurt! This is used a general sedative, keep a mini cooler of this soothing balm on hand and rub a generous portion on the small of your back or underarms in times of duress. Your work commute will fly by and you''ll even be able to cope with drum circles up to a point.

These are just a few, many more modern food medicinal combos are available from our website: www.vomityourwaytoohappiness.org   

Planet of the Apes and Cows

Is it me or is the animal kingdom passive aggressively getting it's own back on humans for pretty near destroying the Earth. Let's examine the evidence then you can decide if we as a species is doing enough to keep these cheeky ''other'' species in their place.

I have a pond, it has sheer slippery sides and every Summer it seems two frogs take up residence around the pond, now I can't be sure but once they're in I don't think they can get out and most mornings I find one floating at the rim looking up at me with those sad froggy eyes until I get the net and scoop them out, then they hop off merrily, it's quite maddening I tell you but I see your game frogs! They think one day I'll crack and they will swarm over my land and claim it. Let this be a document that will attest  in court if need be that I, Dan, in perfectly sound mind and body think frogs are bullying me and trying to send me crazy.

Sometimes you'll get ants in the house they may get into any unsealed foodstuffs but that's how scavenging species make a living and it all seems pretty harmless, so why do you see one maybe two lone ants in the bedrooms occasionally? What is their purpose in these rooms, are they studying us? I think so, my analysis is that similar to Gulliver's Travel these little guys are trying to figure out how many ants it takes to hold down a human for consumption, the problem being as soon as you get 10 or so ants crawling on your body, you move and ruin their experiment. Even really heavy sleepers will wake at around 50 or so ants. But ants are industrious and patient they are collating data  and when they can calculate the exact number and ant bodies required for the pile on....? Well, it doesn't bear thinking about really.

The most evil family of animals plotting us humans destruction is obviously the bovines. What? You can't see it? Let me explain, a lot of people think cows are good to eat and they run away bit but are fairly easy to round up for the chop, they don't even try very hard to escape fairly basic fencing, one cow standing on another's shoulders would be over a fence in a trice. So we humans think if some cows are good, billions must be better, but bovines expel methane and carbon dioxide and eat grass which controls these poisonous gases. Let me spell it out, he cows want to explode in numbers, check, kill off the humans with greenhouse gases, almost check, then take over the entire planet by controlling the supply of delicious dairy products too their ape armies, did I mention the apes? They're in on it too, apes will ride the cows fueled by yoghurt too a very likely victory over the frogs and ants.

Ignore this warning at your own peril!

Footlosers.

I know we all fantasize that one day our town will be the one that's bans dancing. Apart from making otherwise reasonable people look very silly, it poses a considerable occupational health and safety risk, especially when any song involving ''Getting your hands up'' is played.

Discotheques are an accident waiting to happen, or possibly the accident has already happened, I have no idea as I only attend proper seated functions where moving your body around is reserved for the secret handshake only.

Other social conventions are just as foolhardy, handshaking spreads Salmonella and kissing can result in bird, swine and sometimes human flu. I even understand that some germs have ''No returns'' ? Which sounds horrible.

A small number of vertebrae displacements result from slaps on the back and there's even one documented case on concussion from a pat on the back of the head.

The social convention that creates the largest number of hospitalisations is the hug.  There can be accidental rib fractures, shoulder dislocations and head trauma from going in on the wrong side. It causes nervous tension in young children at family functions.

Look, if you really really have to touch another person why not go for a hearty high five or pinch on the cheek (face cheek you pervert!) that's something everyone can enjoy and no one gets hurt.  

8 Fun and EZ Ways To Annoy Others

I bet I got you rankled already? 8 ways? Why not 10 or 20? This is my theory exactly, annoy people mildly and when they least expect avoiding conflict and going to bed knowing you've made a difference in a small but negative way.

1. Mispronouncing words - Particularly effective with people you have regular contact with. Try ''vee-hickle'' for vehicle or ''Eye-talian'' instead of Italian, if you can't see the steam rising just use ''aks'' in place of ask for a week but this may induce a seizure.

2. ''Accidental'' Smudging - Wife or Mother hate her shiny surfaces too have greasy hand prints all over them? You may not like this either? But you have a score too settle so leave one or two beauties each day and fein ignorance when you get yelled at.

3. Talk Radio - Even on short journeys there usually an opportunity to get in a a few annoyance licks by shouting back at the broadcast, ''Oh c'mon!'' is great for sport and singing the wrong lyrics to Beatles songs always gets results.

4. Shortfall - Leave an unusable amount of toilet paper on the roll, every time.

5. Two's company - If anybody borrows an item from you always announce ''Remember that's a boomerang'' after they go say too all ''Ha, I always say that'' it's called  the double barrel and I highly recommend it.

6. Recurring Compliment - Tell the same person every time you see them they look like they're losing weight, trust me, it's a creeper, they'll hate you eventually.

7. Breath-less - It takes practise but if you can master a nose whistle or weird off beat breathing style it could be a valuable weapon in your arsenal.

8. A Bow Tie - Just wear a bow tie.

I know some of you have been victims too these methods but knowledge is power, now go get some revenge, it feels great . 

Genes for Genes...not Jeans.

What if everybody could have one of those really happy dogs with two tails?  Or feed the world's starving people with chicken flavoured whales? Be awesome hey?

And that's why a crack team of scientists are taking genetic engineering to the max to try solve these annoying problems and ensure continuing research funds. 

My sources in Europe have reported back with a few of the secret projects that will make for a plumper, quicker, fluorescent, salt reduced, longer lasting, gluten free, essential oil enriched tomorrow. 

* Sheep taste nice, produce wool and milk but tend to buckle under the weight of even an average humans weight but new 'Travel Sheep' are bigger and sturdier and can go 20 kilometres on one bunch of spinach, comes in four new exciting colours too!

* ''Mommy Goldy's dead!'' it's the sentence no parent ever likes to hear, that's why cockroach DNA has been inserted into the common goldfish to create the 'Goldroach'  it's virtually indestructible and can even live without a head for a week although that's horrible obviously.

*  I like seedless watermelon but hey, sometimes I like the challenge of a seeded melon experience, the 'Half and Half Melon' kills two birds with one fruit. 

* I have a Justin Bieber wig as I'm sure you all do too, but it's going to wear out quickly with constant use, enter the the 'Bieber Wig Guinea Pig' , can be easily trained to sit quietly on your dome by attaching a treat dish to your forehead.

Hooray DNA research! It's the family friendly side of the Mad Scientist's community. 

Feud For Thought

The popularity of the 'Twilight' saga and subsequent films has brought to our attention the long held and very real grudges between Vampires and Werewolves. And although bloody battles between supernatural beings in mossy forests is something we've very much become accustomed too in modern times and there are other feuds between other monster groups that sometimes go unnoticed:

Mummies versus Frankensteins - Ever since Mummies have been imported into Western culture these two parties have quarreled over the right too walk slowly through the night with arms stretched out in front of them.

Wood Elf versus Water Sprite - The Sprites control the water, the Elves need water for their enchanted mushroom crops, In times of drought costly court battles often ensue.

Ogre versus Troll - With air travel being more common not as many bridges are getting built, over population under bridges in reaching crisis levels.

Yeti versus Sasquatch - Deforestation in America has forced Sasquatches into alpine Yeti territories leading too vicious slanging matches, also Australian Yowies are now under threat due too 'Boat Yetis' arriving seeking asylum.

There's no easy answers even though there's no written test, if you see a homeless Ogre or a busking Pixie just give what you can.

They walk amongst us!

The Aliens are here, they are just very boring. Hundreds of Alien spies have been placed in all areas of the world but being so advanced they just get snapped up into business and industry due to the worldwide skills shortage. Once embedded into their work culture they realize it's much easier cruising through a 9-5 job than cruising through the galaxy with your Commander breathing down your to ''empty the space toilets!'' and ''shine up that anti-gravity drive!''.

The CIA discovered several Aliens working secretly at a data processing company,  where they had formed a 'Keeping up with the Kardashians Fan Club'  and joined a

Quidditch team, the Agency decided leaving them to carry on was the best punishment available.

Some entire model aircraft clubs are known to be Alien membership, 16% of all accountants are from the nebula G-es-tea, all taxation forms are clearly of Alien origin, lawn bowling clubs are maintained as emergency UFO landing strips.

The dullest profession the Aliens inhabit is of course politics, where they hardly need too camouflage their bizarre speech,  mannerisms and features at all, luckily in our country it's efficient and dynamic public servants that really run the country.

So if you discover an Alien in your workplace, don't get panicked, take it out too a library or something fun, it could use the excitement.  

YO!

Times it by two and what do you get? Every hip teenagers favourite pastime, the Yo-yo! But it wasn't always so long ago string shortages during WWII caused the Allies send crack commando squads into Germany to liberate top quality Yo-yo string so  British children could enjoy 'Walking the dog' during the Blitz, brave heroes all of them.

Ancient Hebrew for ''Fad Fad''  the first known Yo-yos appeared in ancient Greece round 500BC, where a boy attempted a vigorous 'Round the World'  and accidently blinded an onlooking giant hence creating the legend of the Cyclops.

Emperor Nero fiddled while Rome burned then Yo-yoed as it was rebuilt with Yo-yo Tournaments replacing gladiator thumb wrestling during his reign.

In the Dark Ages Yo-yos were associated with witchcraft because their whizzing sound was reported to conjure up demons and many Yo-yos were confiscated and locked in the Bishops desk till after Mass.

Fast forward to the 1700's where ornate Yo-yos were carved from Dodo beak to adorn fashionable ladies when stepping out. 

The modern Yo-yo scene is vibrant and we've all enjoyed the Yo-yo Roadshow on TV, seeing the various shapes, colours and LED lighting now available, with one Yo-yo owned by Molly Meldrum going for over $23!  

Some things never go out of fashion, see you at the next club meeting. 

There's No Place (to) Like Gnome(s)

I bet your thinking ''Gnomes are so cool! This is going to be an excellent gnomey update on everything rad concerning the known gnomiverse! ''.

Well you couldn't be more wrongerful, gnomes are wicked, spiteful creatures and should not be trusted and I'll tell you why.

Enchanted ceramic gnomes became popular in the 1840's where they were put in  vegetable patches to scare away thieving Pixies by playing Irish folk music ballads after becoming animated by the light of the moon. Unfortunately their constant pipe smoking also gave some of vegies skin tumors, particularly the pumpkins.

The next application for gnomes was to guard goldfish ponds from hungry waterbirds but they instantly turned to fishing out the goldfish themselves and trading them for leather vests.

Lately these tiny terrors have been utilized is for keeping spare house keys safe by standing on them outside peoples front doors.. This has only led to a rash of break and enters because the gnomes put up little resistance to full grown people and there's actually hidden camera footage of one gnome collaborating with a burgular after motioning with his eyes towards the house key beneath him. The owners lost most of their home electronics and two Barbie dolls. The dolls were thankfully later released in exchange for a small tub of moustashe wax.

Monitor your gnomes peple! Keep them tethered by night or place them in a government accredited 'Gnome Hutch' if you're worried about gnome cruelty.

And please remember gnome wrestling is still banned in all states except on Zach Galifianakis'  Birthday.

These Gods must be crazy?

Every ancient civilization from the dawn of time or whenever their digital watch alarm went off has had their own set of gods and deities. From a praying for your land to be fertile to praying for your wife to be fertile and then praying for your daughter to be less fertile people have looked towards the heavens and offered sacrifices to try and convince the gods to smile upon them a grant their wishes.

These days in our culture survival is fairly easy but we still would like a few more things to go our way. I'm suggesting there may be a new set of hipper more modern deities we can make offerings too and yes, you might just get your dreams fulfilled tubby!

Populoso - God of Social networking - Leave a full size Mars bar at his altar and this deity may give you many Twitter or Facebook followers, your self esteem will soar like Icarus.

Sweatus Shoppinia - Goddess of Bargain Garments - Imagine you have the power to foresee all within the Target catalogue, pray to her and your discount clothes bounty will flow like wine.

Saint Rhodetrippe - Patron Saint  of Traffic and Travel - Keep a effigy of this guy on your dashboard, you might get longer greens at traffic lights, Volvos may mysteriously move out of your lane and public toilets become more apparent and cleaner.

Hiyass-core - Spirit of the Hunt - Can't complete a level, destroy a demon or vanquish a ghost on your choice of computer game? Burn two novels, anything Bronte or Stephen King is suggested, in the pyre for this deity and you could find yourself master of your Dungeons and Dragons club chapter in no time ( I used this one myself )

In a society where we have so much, it seems natural to get just a little bit more, after all you deserve it , you've managed to read all this without sending a text, go spoil yourself.  

   

Saving Keystrokes - the new way to a less ''tappy'' you.

Isn't it funny (or I.I.F)  that over the past 10 years or so abbreviations and acronyms have permeated our culture so much that you can virtually just type a series of capital letters into Facebook or Twitter and have the person you're addressing understand what you're saying perfectly well. And isn't it amusing that sometimes your parents pickup on this trend and start using them also. And isn't it not funny or amusing in any way when grandparents do it!

We all know the easy ones like L.O.L - laughing out loudly and A.S.B.O - anti social behaviour disorder but new ones are constantly being invented and evolving. Here's a crash course on some of the most rad and fly new A'n'As.

I.K.R - I know right?! - meaning far out or that was most unexpected.

W.O.O.T- Will one only try? - Emphatically asking to give it a go or lets try together.

I.D.E.K -  I don't even know - I'm at my wits end and all seems hopeless.

J.P.E.G - Junior photographers explorers gang - Founded early 1995, closed late 1995.

NABISCO - National Australia Bank is cool - Kids banking website with games.

D.V.D - Digital versatile disk - It slices, it dices, it holds digital video.

A.T.M.M - Automated teller machine machine, often wrongly shortened to ATM.

I.K.S.A.S.A.T - I know stuff about stuff and that - I'm in control of the situation.

K.I.R.B - Keeping it real bro - I've been working solidly, KIRS(ista) is in the feminine.

A.I.N.E.C - And it's not even close - You've tried and failed.

Hope this helps otherwise T.A.S.E.W.R.Y.C.T  or ''There are some excellent website resources you can try''.

It's a dog's life ( So stop whingeing Fido! )

For a long time now pets have been used for helping people in need we've all seen the great work organisations like The Royal Guide Dogs ,Pets as Therapy and The Flintstones have done training animals but let's think for a minute, there's loads of other ways maybe pets could be utilised and it might help with fundraising?

Let's explore.

Car Key Sniffing Cat - A cat's sense of smell is fourteen times as sensitive as humans that gives them at least an even money chance of finding where the car keys have been put. Tip: most likely into the fridge with the milk.

Watering Can-ine - What? It's not what you think! Dogs can be trained to carry water around to all your low lying shrubberies. There's a good waterboy!

Dial-a-Dragon - Vicious trained Bearded Attack Dragons can now be hired to protect your precious belongings while you're out. Lizards have loads of dangerous bacteria in their mouths and one bite could result in a nasty infection in 1 in 50 cases but it's just really just upsetting to be owned by a lizard when you're a hardened criminal.

Turkey Surprise - Christmas is coming and with Masterchef gourmet food is more popular than ever also the Central Americans have long known of the delicious taste of the Axolotl, so let's combine these two excellent concepts into a spectacular holiday roast. Purchase three small plump axolotls and feed on meaty scraps till they've grown ready to burst with salamandery goodness, then prepare with roast vegies and onion gravy to finish. Mmm tastes like water chicken. 

Let's get pets to give back to the community so we don't have too.

One fish, two fish, STOP!

The thing about things is that you sometimes forget about stuff, important stuff, stuff happens and things do not , so what's the answer? therapy? Yes, but it's a whole lot more.I once collected so many things someone suggested I cut back a little so I did but that's just one horror story.

Here's just a few yarns from the vaults about collectors gone mad. If you have a weak stomach, turn back now!

One old lady I heard of had a collection of souvenir spoons from around the world she failed to keep them adequately dusted so her friends began to shun her due to the poor state of her collection and the shameful grime in the end she was banned from Tuesday night Bingo.

A vintage car part collector from Brisbane had so many spare nut and bolts that he was forced to miss an afternoon of golf to sort and store his collection more efficiently, poor guy, it was sunny..... and mild.

Guitar enthusiast James Buchanan lost a lucrative government job when he fell in love and married his 1963 Fender Stratocaster ''It has the most beautiful body and I love her neck'' he was reported to say at the reception (I had the chicken), some good news though the couple went on to adopt two orphaned Mandolins.

Careful, be alert, don't fall into the trap of having multiples of the same item, or your life may become an Antiques Horrorshow. 

What I got that he has not

I been weighing up my career against some of my musical peers and it looks a little grim. If I consider Justin Biebers continuing rise to mega-star boy billionaire status against my modest accomplishments and it looks at best, tragic.

Some might say my talent shortfall is a determining factor but I've decided promotion and marketing is where I'm really falling short so:

10 Valid Reasons I'm Superior to Justin Bieber

1. I'm 10-12cm taller. I can get spare condiments down from the top shelf with relative ease.

2. I don't need security when I leave home, mainly because I always wear a disguise of a fattening bald guy.

3. I don't play drums in my spare time or ever.

4. I save dozens of dollars on hair care products every year.

5. Getting mobbed by frenzied ladies is a thing of the past thankfully!

6. I'm not constantly bugged by calls from Usher saying ''What up Biebz?'' or ''How's it goschizzling?''

7. All of my clothes are ironing free which saves so much time for working on my dance routine.

8. My dance routine has 20 extra pelvic thrusts in 2011.

9. All my shows are totally free (gold coin donation appreciated)

10. I mainly say ''Baby'' when referring to a baby and then not repeatedly.

Leave the 'Bieber Army' and sign up to be a 'Dan Fan' today for a free signed passport photo (while stocks last).

Jesus and the dust harvesters.

Jesus and the dust harvesters:

One morning Jesus was walking on the road beside the Sea of Galilee when he came upon some men gathering dust in the fields. ''Why do you toil so, in the hot morning sun?'' asked Jesus, ''We are the dust harvesters my Lord, we gather the finest dust in all the known lands to lay upon the roads that you tread so to serve you!'' answered one man, ''Do you not see the folly of your ways?'' asked Jesus, ''No, teach us Lord?'' said the men, and Jesus spoketh ''This dust is but the tiniest of fragment of a mighty mountain that is now become humble particles, the cliffs we dared not climb is now ours to walk upon freely so come up from your scrabbling, gather dust no more, walk beside me on the road, the road of freedom'' the men tossed away their dust harvesting utensils and walked along the road with Jesus and all was as it should be.

A reading from the Book of Trevor.

One country for old men.

Dear South Sudan

 Thanks for the inspiration, hope it works out, love the flag.

Best wishes, Dan.

For the rest of you, Welcome to Dan-o-topia! I'm declaring my own sovereign nation for a 5km radius around my 3 bed, 1 bathroom palace where I slouch benevolently on my flower patterned couch/throne of power. I will be a harsh but fair ruler and you will love me just like we loved Liz the Second in the old days or P.D.L.T. (Pre Dan Lame-o Times) Here's but a few new laws:

1. No more nodding or shaking your head. It's thumbs up or down, two thumbs for state functions.

2. All new biscuits are to personally approved by me. And the old ones are to be re-named e.g Dan Fingers, Iced Dan-Dans, Dim-Dans and  Spicy Dan Rolls.

3. Drive properly. That is good advice in or out of this new nation.

4. Drugs and alcohol are forbidden, spinning till dizzy is the new crazy fad, pubs will have designated spinning areas inside and outside for spin-smokers.

5.Details, details.

The coat of arms: Two budgies squabbling over a millet spray.

State drink: Raspberry diet cola in a Vegemite or Kraft cheese spread jar.

National anthem: Anything by ABBA except 'Fernando'

State flower: A sunflower with a smiley face stuck on.

Our mottos: ''Group hug!'' and ''How's the go going?''

Bring me your thonged and track suited, your balding and bloated for tomorrow we begin life anew in a brave new world. 

Animazing Animals

Hello Terrans. Lately I've been busy as a animated bee getting together a proposal for a movie idea to pitch to Pixar, the world famous producers of such massively successful movies as 'Finding Nemo' and 'Toy Story'. 

Now from the outside it looks like those guys can take any object or animal and anthropomorphize it then give it  a cute celebrity voice and next thing they're cyberbathing in digital dollars (who bothers with cash these days?) but, there's real talent in picking the thing to be the star of the movie and give it Paul Hogan's voice, I haven't cleared that with Paul but let's be honest, what else has he got going on?

'Happy Feet' was a big hit with the stars being cute animated penguins but real penguins aren't so cute therefore nearly any animal can be cutie-fied as long as it's furry I think? Point in case, animated and real sharks, no fur and both terrifying.

I'm choosing the critically endangered *numbat to be my hero, I need a catchy name too and I think Nigel is probably a winner.

All heroes need a quest and this little guy wants to stop all logging in South Western Australia to save his family from extinction! But he realises the only way to beat ''the man'' is at his own game, therefore he enrolls in university to become a lawyer and fight for green issues the only way he knows how; in court!

So there we have it 'Nigel the Numbat takes on the Australian Supreme Court' animated feature from Pixar voiced by Paul Hogan. Will it be a success? 

I'll call you from my champagne filled gold lavatory and let you know. 

Reality Bites

From 'The Osbournes' to 'The Kardashians' and back again, we all love to watch people we may have vaguely heard of going about their daily routine with a couple of dozen TV crew members trailing behind to catch all the entertainment gold.

Sarcastic much? Who me? Or should I say, Whom I? No, I shouldn't I was right the first time but don't get me started on Grammer-isms.

There's loads and loads of reality programs flooding our televisions day and night seemingly without relent but what does that tell you? It tells you people like them and we should make some more! But with so many we need a edge, something to set our shows apart from the pack. 

Let's think outside the box, then put everything  back into the box just like Mum said or no watching 'Khloe and Kourtney' young man:

The Tallest Losers- Really tall Geeks have a chance to win Star Wars collectables by decreasing their height by any non surgical method e.g starvation, jumping off roofs or heavy hats of some type.

Carpet Men - We follow a team of cheeky young carpet layers in their work-a-day lives but there's always a surprise twist in every show that I can't tell......ok, it's silverfish shhhh.

Undercover Mother - A real life Mom is kidnapped and replaced with a lookalike  police detective, she then collects information on the family concerning waste recycling infringements climaxing in the entire family being arrested, real life drama people.

But this is just the tip of the reality show iceberg, hey that's another one! 'Iceberg Watch' it's topical and apt , see how easy it is?

See you on TV...I hope.

  

Heroes for Hire

Heroes for Hire!

Oh my God you guys! I've just come back from seeing 'X-men: First Class' at the movies and I'm so excited! Apart from the fact Mum has said we have Fish Finger Pie * for supper I've come up with a great idea to genetically engineer a van load of real life superheroes to help us in our everyday life just because doing stuff is boring and being places is whack.

So I've secured a bit of Uranium, lots of things that buzz and ping and borrowed a ''Mad Scientist'' wig and goggles, now I'm ready to begin mutating some folks here's a few I've thought of so far:

Q-Jumper - Hold his hand on any line and you're teleported straight to first served every time.

Khaki Kruesader - Vigilantly knows where the car keys are at all times.

The Recycling Avenger - Expertly sorts your garbage appropriately....more or less.

Sooper Pooper Scooper Man - Just walks the dog but in a sparkly purple jumpsuit and scoop!

Lawn Man and Pruning Boy - The dynamic duo of garden care.

Captain Google It - Her hands are poised above the keyboard 24/7.

Wander Woman - Jog, stroll, hike? She's your gal.

General Vengence - Available for variety of small revenge jobs, no grudge too small.

Come up with a few of your own and I'll be happy to irradiate them u[p for you. It's heaps good fun**

* http://www.birdseye.co.uk/recipes/detail/fish-finger-pie/

** Actual level of fun may vary subjectively.

It's all a joke.

Comedy is often no laughing matter, just ask Jim Belushi, he's been at it for 30 years and still not one funny moment, incident or happenstance. That aside comedy has a rich tradition dating back to Olde Englande where it was called 'mirth' and could only be heard by nobles on pain of death! 

The first recorded joke went a little like this, '' How many Kings does it take to pull a sword  out of a stone?'' Answer, ''One, but he must be the chosen one and called Arthur'' HA, still makes me chortle, the old rubbish ones really are the best.

But times have moved on and now we need to create jokes that everyone can enjoy, that doesn't offend but still tickles the funny bone. Let's try one.

We need a pretence, how about a bar? But bars sometimes bring up negative thoughts of bashings, let's make it a shop. Maybe someone goes in there?  Say, a bunny, everyone like bunnies since Bugs was murdered for being annoying in '73.

Ok, so a bunny goes into a clothing shop, we better make it a talking bunny or the joke stops here. 

Let's finish it off and see what we've got:

A bunny goes into a shop.

Bunny: Hi, I like to buy a fur coat?

Shop assistant: But why? You already have a fur coat, it's attached to you!

Bunny: Yes, but THAT fur coat there used to be my Mommy and I miss her.

Shop assistant: Ha ha! Oh dear here you go, now hop it.

That's good clean fun folks.

Prediction: You hear this twenty times at work tomorrow the wrong way round.

Dating: Be more less alone today!

  More and more often I'm asked these days I'm asked ''Dan, you're never short of female company and you never ever will be, how do you do it?''. Dating! It's synonymous with nervousness, sweaty palms and awkward silences so it's no surprise that when 10th Century Persian date harvesters wanted to start a family they adopted the phrase to these amorous activities, and much like the popular pudding, it's stuck. Here's my top tips to get from swooning to spooning:

Personal Grooming - First impressions are critical and this Winter's mens fashions in from Europe suggest: Nose hair is hot while ear hair is not. Win!

Knitwear - It's an age old dating problem, jumper or cardigan? While I've had some great nights out in my cable knit turtleneck, I have a sleeveless cardigan which looks stylish with any type of corduroy pant or short. Go the 'gan!

Home Date - Restaurants are the main cause of unsightly food bills that can sully an otherwise frugal night out. Eat at home! Invite your Mum round for dinner then explain the rest when she gets there, she loves you right?

Music - Regarding the 'Home Date' choice of tunes it's so easy 'Simply Red' or 'Michael Buble' and if you want something less raucous try 'Michael Buble sings Simply Red'. 

  Give these a go and I'll guarantee you'll be picking out the paper plates for your wedding barbie in no time.

Movie Snacks Do's and Don'ts

More and more often I'm asked these days I'm asked ''Dan, which snack or candy goes with which beverage? And what's the social etiquette?''  A great question! Eating when watching a movie or Tv is a minefield of embarassment and I always recall an incident at a party where I offered Pretzels along with apple juice! Arrgh! I know what you're thinking and believe me I was mortified but I was young, brash and thought I knew it all about salted food snacks back then, I had much to learn.

Obviously we can't cover all the complexity of sofa snacking rules here now but here's my top tips that will keep you out of trouble for most occasions:

1. Lollies, Sweets and Candies - Any carbonated drink goes perfectly with these, diet soft drinks are acceptable though frowned upon at formal occasions Note: the gas from these helps break down sugars into harmless indigestion.

2. Chocolate or Candy coated chocolates - Best option here is the dairy group be it milk or drinking yoghurt everybody loves a stomach full of milk and chocolate.  Serving Suggestion: nothing beats 200g of Smarties  dissolved into a 400ml glass of  full cream milk on a hot Summer's evening. Why not spoil yourself!

3. Salted Food Snacks - Be it chips, pretzels or popcorn there's only one option? The cordial family! Lime or raspberry for a party atmosphere or  pine/orange for a romantic night in. Go on surprise the Missus!

* Marshmallows are considered 'Wild' and can be served with any beverage outside of sparkling fruit drinks obviously.

The History of Food

Getting kids to eat healthily can be a chore but getting them to consume their history studies is even harder. So how can we combine two negatives and get a positive? Well we can't, it's a mathematical  impossibility.  Or is it? Confused? Too many questions? Let us try to combine healthy meals with lashings of history through the power of...imagination.

Recipe Uno: Take a ordinary common or garden variety pet dog, the larger the better, and strap a 20-30cm wooden stake to it's forehead, but I bet you're way ahead of me? Yes it's the 'Uni-dog-a-corn' or 'Pupp-a-corn-a-une'.  Use this fun prop to explain the mystical powers of fabled Unicorn throughout the ages, there's a 40 question quiz and 2000 word essay at the end and the best pupil is awarded one can of corn. Score! 

Recipe 2: Books are becoming a thing of the past but inspire new passion for literature with Franken-furters for dinner! Just like Mary Shelley's famous monster dead pieces of meat from various animals are brought together to give life to a diabolical creation, the hotdog. Weinering!

Recipe 3: The history of air travel can be a little dull, but show some video  of a 800 foot air ship plummeting out of the sky in a fireball before dinner and suddenly everyone's paying attention. Then start you're lesson on airships and gases lighter than air, just when the kids think it couldn't be more fun what's for tea? Hindenburgers (It's basically an oval shaped meat pattie with chili sauce). Hot stuff!

Parents are always looking forward to being a burden on their kids old age, lets produce the best quality free nursemaids we can people! 

Greenhouse Giants

Movies have been made about them, books have been written and I'm sure we've all done a lot soul searching on the issue but there seems to be no escaping the facts: Giant animals are destroying the Earth!

Unknown scientists in unnamed research facilities around the world have been working on the issue of gigantism in animals since the documentary 'King Kong' was released in 1933 here's just a small section of the findings.

Porky Pigeons - Gorging on processed high protein stock feeds the average Wild Pigeon's weight has ballooned from 370g in 1990 to 400g in 2010! Very bad news for statues and cars in urban areas, not to mention Mum's washing.

Caramello Koala - How much extra weight can Koala bear? It's an old joke but no one's laughing at Otway National Park where voracious XXL Koalas have been traced to mass deforestation and several incidents involving visitors being hit by falling dung balls.

Methane  Mites - Termites produce the most amount of greenhouse effect causing methane than any other animal including the sparrow. The average termite is now 40% larger than in 1974 when they were introduced into Australia to combat a plague of souvenir boomerangs. We can't excuse their gas emissions any longer.

There's no one way to stop gigantism in animals just being alert to the problem is a good start and of course continue to keep a weekly log of your pets length and weight, but this is just common sense. 

  

Toilet Humour

As the saying goes if you don't do it, you die. And while statistics supporting this particular theory are sketchy at best, what's even more confusing is when we try to analyse why anybody would try to hold in waste products to point where it might have lethal repercussions? But who am I to knock these fads I never had a skateboard or one of them fancy schmancy toothbrushes either. But going to the toilet can be a little dull, so I've concocted a few simple games to while away the hours we all spend spending a penny on the potty.

Battleships - Take and decorate 3 or 4 cupcake liner papers, I always make mine Spanish Galleons but pirate ships are always popular with the kids, place in your toilet and I'll let you connect the dots how to play. ''Take that Barbossa!''

Space Shuttlecock - Reenact favourite space TV series with just few feathers and the air freshener, the only limit is your imagination as your various craft whoosh throughout the pine scented W.C galaxy. Set phasers to fun!

Notepaper - Everyone in the house is going to visit the littlest room in the aforementioned house at some point in the day so why not use the roll to convey messages to the family.  ''Need milk'' is a common one or ''Record Glee for me please'' is another. ''I see you'' or ''Look behind you'' are fun ones and the best way to start any Mothers Day morning is with a ''Wee love you Mum''  toilet tissue message.  

Make your lavatory motto ''The fun never stops till the seat drops''.

Get your party started!

  More and more often I'm asked these days I'm asked ''Dan, your parties are legendary, how can I get my function or small gathering to swing as well as yours?'' 

Well in olden times it used to be getting your party stopped that was the issue and by the way I use the 'flicking on and off the light method' if that's ineffective try shooting people dirty looks from the front of the room and yelling ''I can wait all day people!''  and that will generally puts dampener on the mood and you can call some taxis.These days with internet interactions being the latest fad people need a little prodding to loose their inhibitions and have an extra cider or three!

Here's how you do it:

1. Bad Snacks -  My favourites for this are a 'Nut filled cheese log' and 'Sweet and sour mini Quiches' and I can guarantee that 2 seconds after you've left the room people will start to chat and bond about the poor food on offer. You've been slagged OFF but the 'Fun' button is now ON!

2. Catch and 'KISS' - Similar to the child's game except when someone is caught they can choose which makeup from members of rock band 'KISS' they'd like to wear for the night, as long as it's not Peter Criss!

3. The Domino Sway - Dancing is always tricky to instigate at any social function and this is quite advanced. Put some funky music on, 'Seal' or 'Michael Buble' usually fits the bill and just loiter next to a group of friends, then slowly start to sway in time gently nudging the person next to you, let's physics to the rest.  

4. The Stand Over - This is your go to plan if all else fails. Find a large serving spoon preferably wood, pop 'Pink's' awesome hit 'Get your party started' on the hi-fi   and this where my advice from earlier kicks in, give each partay pooperer a good prod with said spoon, two in the shoulder for the ladies and one good one in the back of the head for the lads you might try whispering ''Go on, do it'' for the hard cases. Simples!

  So there you have it. Don't give your acquaintances yet another reason to judge you negatively 'Get your party started' and be a better person by being popular.

Sounding Cool for Beginners

More and more often these days I'm asked the ''D-man, you the dopest  flyboy round these parts, but how'd you get so awsomelywickedliscious?''. It's a question as accurate as it is linguistically confusing but I wasn't always the 'hepcat'  with the silver tongue I am today. I was once a 'newb' or beginner in cool slang and coming from 100% North European stock I had to develop a system to earn my 'street cred'.  Lets explore!

The Ol' Vic - No one perfected using 10 words when 2 would suffice better than the Victorians (1837-1901), therefore there's a wealth of unused words now waiting for exploitation. Consider Panchymagogue, meaning a good medicine. Used thusly '' What you need is a good panchymagogue man!'' 

Note: Use 'man' whenever possible.  

The Mash Up - This is easy and fun, just take two words and combine to form your own street slang. E.g Bacon + Delicious =  Baconlicious or Jumper + Terrific = Jumpriffic.

I like to Praise You - Everybody loves praise, so use some of your new street words when complimenting a friend or loved one and you'll both reap the benefit. Try this:

'' I'm buggin' on your crazy  awsomtacularness girlfrang'' meaning ''You look nice''.

Hope you 'dig' this, your parents won't understand you but maybe they never did anyway? Right kids?

How Awesome Am I?

In 2010 the New South Wales parliament enacted the 'Awesomeness Act' an important piece of legislation outlining a standardised method for testing 'Awenosity Levels' in regional areas, this replaced the defunct 'Radical Regulation 1997'. Now we've all thumbed through the document briefly but what real life applications can we take into our lives and what does the 'Equation of Awe' mean to ordinary Australians? 

The Equation of Awe  A = X-Y x N 

When X equals your number of Facebook friends, minus Y your number of hooded t-shirts, times N your number of 'awesome attributes' as laid down in Schedule 4 of the Act. 

Here's an example: 

My fond acquaintance Matty B, his equation looks like this. 

650 Facebook friends, 6 hooded Ts but only 2 awesome attributes so:

650 - 6 x  2 = 1288, Matt has a low 'Awenosity Level'  out of a possible 2000 and receives an 'Epic Fail'

Lets try my workmate Taylor Power:

343 - 14 x 5 = 1645 this is excellent, although his hooded t levels are dangerously high his awesome attributes make up the difference receiving a 'Winning Sheen' award.

It's as easy as one, two, threesy. Hope this helps you calculate your own 'Awenosity Level' in a fun way. Remember representatives from The Department of  Departments will be in town on April 1 to collect your 'Equation of Awe' testing forms.

Weight loss

....Weight lost! I should say so!

More and more often these days I'm asked ''Dan, you have a ripped six pack like Jesus and the biceps of a Bulgarian watermelon juggler, how do you keep so darn buff and attractive?'' Of course it's pretty easy for someone like myself, I naturally have the low body fat and facial symmetry that Western culture prefers but as a community service and as part of my community service I've concocted a 'Hike-Pikers Guide to the Galaxy'  which is actually aimed just at the inhabitants of Earth rather than an all encompassing fitness regime for every creature within the Milky Way but it's a great title!

1. Cauliflower Power - First build up some energy by downing two or three strawberry or banana milkshakes, steer clear of chocolate though it's full of empty calories. Supporting your local grocer purchase two cauliflowers and strap one to each ankle, now it's time to jog home using a pizza for dinner as incentive. Try running a little further each day or putting a avocado in each pocket. 

2. Eat right - That is, through the mouth, other orifice options for ingesting food are often painful, messy and the worst way to feel the burn.

3. Wait lifting - Older people can often use a hand around the home so why not wait around an old folks home for the opportunity to burn off some calories cleaning a bedpan or fluffing the odd pillow? Showing off how strong you are compared to an 80 year old is great for morale too! Note: It's acceptable to receive a 'Werther's Original' for payment of these duties and it's tax deductable.

Stick to these rules and adopt my 'No fudge! No pudge to budge' eating recommendations and I'll meet you on the catwalk in no time. 

Ants: Natures six legged Ant-like creatures.

or The Public Life of Ants

 Last weekend I found myself with a few extra spare hours and some graph paper so I done what any sensible person would do and commenced a study called 'Ants at Work and Play' and I think you'll be surprised at the data I've compiled. It will possibly change your opinion somewhat about our future masters, that is when a combination of increased Uv radiation and greenhouse gases cause them to grow to over a metre, but I digress, here's what I found out:

1. The Entertainers  - Ants can lift 10-50 times their body weight but rarely do, quite often they just grab a dry leaf that only looks heavy as they strut around looking smug to passing Beetles.

2. Pass the Parcel - A good percentage of Ants will run backwards and forwards through the column passing the same twig between their workmates accomplishing nothing, these are the bureaucrats of Ant society.

3. Law and Order - Soldier Ants protect the colony and provide O, H and S and can often be heard yelling things like '' Walk! Don't run with that sharp seed'' , ''Brush those antennae!'' or ''Move along, move along''.

   

   Hopefully we can all take something away from this even if it's that Ants have speech next week 'The Bloodhound - What so sad?'. 

Make People Like You

or Winning at friends and influencing your peeps.

Now no one wants to die alone, it's a simple truth that's hardwired into the human psyche like wanting to pinch babies cheeks or avoiding people collecting for charity, it just makes good sense. As we grow older our bodies wear out and we look towards partners, friends and family to take up the slack and often take up our slacks if going to the toilet has become a issue.

A problem shared is a problem halved, for you that is, the person helping you now has one whole new problem, which brings me to the nub of my gist, that is how to drag others into your aging pain spiral by making them like you:

1. Consensus - In conversation whenever someone disagrees with you try this sentence '' Hmm, now I think about it your right! What rubbish was I thinking? How'd you get so smart AND attractive?''.  The only thing folks like more than being right all the time is being told their right and attractive all the time.

2. The Neverending Shout - Some people are quite easy to train using treats, in this case alcoholic beverages. One they have associated your face with free booze your friendship is guaranteed. 

3. Dangle the Dollars - ''I'm single, getter older and have all your pension money stowed away but who will be the beneficiary on my demise?'' Make sure throw this sentence in at all social gatherings and watch your Inbox fill with invitations for dinner! 

Delete 'Loneliness XP' and install 'Popularity Vista' today!